7/28/2008
Sidewalk existentialism

I remembered something when I walked home from the neighborhood store. The night has fallen, and the lack of functional street lights meant I relied more on the lights coming from the rows of houses leading to our own. And then, my childhood comes back to haunt me.

I don't know if it's really valid, but when I was young, I had a fear of the night. No, it's not because of the supposed existence of monsters until my bed or inside my wardrobe, but it's more because of the moments I spend between falling asleep and being asleep. When the lights are out, and everything is quiet, my mind would race through outer space, and I'd start pondering about our own existence. Little do I know, I'd be afraid of closing my eyes and actually drifting to sleep.

I hate being unaware of things. While asleep, our mind enters a reality all its own, very much oblivious to whatever's happening outside. While you see someone nagging you, someone would have been shot outside your house.

My train of thought would quickly go to the years when I still didn't exist - or, as I'd like to call it, when I was just a figment of my parent's imagination. I didn't exist during the first EDSA revolution. I obviously didn't exist during the declaration of martial law, or during the war for independence, or during the invention of the wheel. Obviously I'd only rely on what I read and what I'm told, and I wonder about how things would be when I was there.

I'd pace to the future. I'd definitely be dead by then. What would happen when I'm gone, when I lose my ability to see and hear and sense everything? It passed by me in the millions of years I've preceded, and it's not a happy thought if I realize that I have millions of years ahead of me.

I don't know if you'd exactly call this fear, or anxiousness, but when my thoughts go there, it will go there - about the people I'll be leaving behind, or have yet to leave behind, or the chances I've passed up, or have yet to pass. And when you think that your end will be the same as everybody else's, you start thinking. Is everything that you're fussing up now worth it, when you're going to lose it tomorrow anyway?

And your responses...

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