8/24/2008
Constants

She seemed to be very nice from the get-go. Well, my hardened cynicism sometimes prefers to think that she's being nice because she wants something, because that's always the case, but otherwise it's quite a different feeling. It's the first night we've met, and already we've been talking about our work, our supposed futures and our conflicting opinions about celebrity. Deep inside, I'm actually happy we're talking; simply put, something clicked. My hardened cynicism, however, knows that this will perhaps be the last time we'll ever talk, so I just left it at that. Perhaps we'll meet again soon.

"See you around, then," she said as we shook hands.

"I hope we could," I answered, and left the noisy, crowded venue, actually paying serious attention to what I just said. But I never bothered turning my back and waving goodbye for one last time. It was a crowded venue, after all. I probably wouldn't see her in the crowd.

Two days later, I woke up and flipped through the newspaper. I never really had that much time lately, so I was thankful to be able to actually read beyond the comics. The news section had this little tidbit, and despite the little attention the editors thought it warranted, I was somehow drawn to it.

A woman in her early 20s was found dead inside an abandoned taxi in Pasig City early yesterday morning, police there reported. The woman, identified through an ID as Katie Quiamson, had numerous stab wounds in her chest and neck. Authorities suspect that the suspects robbed the victim before being killed, as she did not have any possessions with her except for the ID, which was possibly used as a strangulation device.

And then it dawned on me. Fudge. She's the girl I met two days ago.

I only had six hours of sleep last night, so I found it necessary to take a good two-hour nap this afternoon. I woke up seeing all those images, and for the next two hours I couldn't shake off the idea that it was all a dream. Besides, when you're dreaming, you never really know - until the very end, or until things get preposterous - if it's real or not. It did feel real.

Perhaps it's the feeling of loneliness that I had to contend with for the past few months. "I seem to have lost all social capacity," I told Anna. "I mean, I feel that I've been too alone for the past eight weeks that I feel I'm socially inept now." What followed was a fairly long rant about things that become a usual thing at work - how I got seated in a terrible position, fell in love with my headphones and end up limiting my interaction with goodbyes when they leave. In between, the ubiquitous crying emoticon.

"Maybe you just choose to be that way," she answered. "Everything's a choice, after all."

I typed in another crying emoticon.

"Relax," she said. "I'm sure it's not because it's too busy. You just have to find time... and courage."

Majet and I have been talking a bit more often lately - well, provided that she's around, and obligations obviously wouldn't let her - and, aside from the occasional Piyar name-drop, we've been talking about constants. It's her idea, after all.

"Baka naman ang isang constant sa'yo eh fear," she retorted one afternoon at work. "Kailangan mo ng isa pang constant to counter that." I decided to joke around and discuss pain relievers - yet another example of me just getting away because of my hardened cynicism, because I'm fearful that what happened to me in the past would happen to me again, because I've long learned that you shouldn't go in places where you shouldn't, because it's better to get away from things that could hurt you rather than let it do such. Come to think of it, I refused to look back at Katie that night because I knew that the one last look will get stuck in my head, and perhaps start something.

But what if it, and many good things that can result, is meant to happen?

And your responses...

"I'm fearful that what happened to me in the past would happen to me again,"

"because it's better to get away from things that could hurt you rather than let it do such."


funny though, i feel the very same way as of this moment, letting go of something instead of letting it hold you and agonize you all at the same time. i like your post. :)

Blogger jhie8/27/2008     

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