8/13/2008
Here's my truth(iness)

During my sophomore year in high school, we had this particularly memorable last activity for our retreat. But, of course, it's the cheesy one - everybody tapes a piece of cartolina on their backs, and everybody goes around writing something they like about the person in question. You can imagine a bunch of hyperactive boys giggling when one feels the pen on their backs. Inevitably, I was anxious about what they'd say - hey, I was more insecure then.

That pink cartolina is still with me, hidden with my cramped collection of foreign newspapers, and although I can't be bothered to go through all the dust and effort, I still have an idea about what it says. It was somewhat annoying - or at least that's how I remembered it, because I had this look that says "what the bleep?" when I finally got the chance to read their comments. I thought, and still think, that most of the people during that retreat didn't think their comments through.

Thus, only one comment stuck in my mind: Robyn's. It was her first year in Anima, and already we've somewhat found an affinity with each other, partly because we're the (errr) academic frontrunners of the class, and we somewhat eased each other's burdens. At least she was someone who I can trust with a serious comment. Indeed, it stood out in its uniform handwriting and its distinct thought process.

"Technical and referential."

It's been almost five years since that happened, but whenever I plan something epic in my opinion, this phrase bounces around my head as if Robyn and I still meet up regularly. (We may have both gone to DLSU, but after our attempts to connect during LPEP, and her borrowing my MP3 player, nothing else happened.) Well, she is correct: almost everything I do always involves some backup. I mean, I've never really done anything quite significant unless I know what it takes, how it happens and whether everything is worth it. Thus, I'm usually doing something with a pretty complicated vision of how it'll turn out. That, or I end up sooo disappointed I could just jump off a cliff.

I'm not exactly a fan of strategy games, but I've always been amazed at the immensity of such strategies. I think my greatest satisfaction lies in seeing some plan that I had a hand drafting actually take off without a hitch. It happened with school projects, it happened with Kizia, it happened with Kelly - you get the idea. I guess it's just the kid in me, who grew up amazed with toll gates and television schedules, and as time passed, seeing how everything worked, and how the smallest thing can contribute to some plan's success of failure. Some irony: I'm stuck where I am right now.

"Parang hindi na tama ang reasons," I told Ariane last night. "Or, parang hindi ako sure kung bakit ko siya naisip. Siguraduhin ko muna bago mag-start."

"Hindi tama ang reasons? Weird," she chuckled. "Pero kung di ka pa sure, dapat lang na mag-isip ka muna. At give it time."

"At mahirap ang bara-bara," I answered. "Makasakit pa ako. Mahirap kung ako pa ang mas masaktan."

I still am a strong believer in making sure everything is ready before you go. That's how I survived college; I look like I have leadership skills, but all I do is tell people to submit things at certain times so that they're ready when we need them. And I've always thought that I lack street smarts - it's something that I always thought I missed since high school, which is why that "technical and referential" thing mattered - and I always thought that I'll never survive by my gut feel alone. My life, it seems, will forever depend on an instruction manual.

I've been killing time at work watching clips from The Colbert Report, and anybody who's aware of everything will know about truthiness. It made quite a stir - Wikipedia said so, if you don't believe me - and because all that the comedian said was spot on.

"We are a divided nation," Stephen Colbert said. "Not between Democrats and US Republicans, or conservatives and liberals, or tops and bottoms. No, we are divided between those who think with their head, and those who know with their hearts."

Sure, that is a lampoon of that lampoonable George W. Bush, but if you look at it another way, both are correct. There are things in which you have to know everything and be certain before you act, or else everything crumbles. If it's a matter of corporate survival or national security, for instance, you could die under the weight of your own goof-ups. But if it's something that hits a little closer to home, do you really have to know everything?

I grew up reading newspapers. Ella could've described this blog as a tabloid, and it's a given that I'll want to know details before I can say that I know something about it. Thus, I never really gave a damn to those who think I'm just bluffing - I wouldn't. But there are things that even the most experienced journalist will not get right; as such, there are things were I won't have the answer to every question. So, if the people around me seem happy with what they've done, despite not knowing everything, should I do the same and just act based on my instincts? Because that's what my heart feels?

I don't really know, because I don't have an idea as to how I'll approach answering this question. Or maybe it's a question I'll never answer. I'll just leave that item blank, and languish with frustration, especially when I realize that the answer that I felt was right was, well, the right one all along.

And your responses...

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