9/28/2008
Fourteen and one

If some of my friends are to be believed, then I'm surrounded by the wrong kind of people. Maybe I just feel this way, or it's really the case, but I've always felt like the odd one out in a group of people. Maybe it's my tendencies to let myself down - I've tried keeping tabs on them but they always come up - but, after so many years trying to look for that certain thing that'll really keep me happy, what else can I do?

Lately, whenever I go online, I hesitate double-clicking some names and starting a conversation. Never mind whether we've spent a considerable amount of time offline, but whenever the time comes, it doesn't always seem enough to warrant endless conversations about random things. Other priorities are one thing, like Issa begging off because of her thesis, which I sensed before she could. Technological breakdowns are another, like how Meebo apparently compromises crucial conversations. I can usually live with that, although there's no way for me to ever know. What's more telling is whether my attempts at a conversation will ever lead to anything.

Sure, I'm going ahead of myself. (Niko to Jackie: "Pinangungunahan ko [ang sarili ko] pero ayoko ring naiinis [for] the rest of the day.") But how can you work anything out if there's nothing to begin with? Sometimes I think I'm doing the closest thing to gatecrashing, with my suddenly frequent feelers towards a few people. Say, my frequent comments to Majet's blog entries, or my marathon conversations with Carmel, or the rare but crazy things that I end up discussing with either Alyssa or Adette. I can't always contain my surprise when things end up developing quite nicely, but you can't deny the fact that I'll end up looking just that - a gatecrasher. Each have their own cliques (a term I'm shamelessly borrowing from Asia) and their own lives, and it will take a lot more for me to make it in there. That means I'm three years too late.

I've almost always worried about not having any friends. Sure, I've soon realized that part of it is caused by me always worrying about not having any friends, but you can't really do anything if you haven't found any middle ground. Cliques exist because they have common interests - one of the reasons why the BonoSoc was formed was because the girls had a crush on Cuyeg. It's funny that the know-it-alls encourage everybody to be themselves and be organically different, and those that do so get rewarded by an inkling of social isolation. I've done different things, and they've done different things, and they've always found something common with each other, but not with me.

"Huwag mo silang asahan na mag-a-adjust sila para sa'yo," I've always been told, notably by my clueless parents. "Ikaw ang mag-adjust para sa kanila." It's what everybody calls compromise, and that's always worked, if you cite politics and anything else bigger and more complicated than the simplest of friendships. But consider yourself a jigsaw puzzle piece, trying to fit into another, completely different puzzle. There is an open slot, and you, wanting to belong, decide to fill just that. So, you cut yourself up in order to fit into the slot, and you throw out the stuff that you've let go of. When you finally fit into the puzzle, you realize that your pattern doesn't match everybody else's. That's why compromises are harder than what television makes it look like.

Back when I was in first year, I received emails from a person who I never knew. It wasn't spam - it was a barrage of Friendster and Multiply invitations which I disregarded because I already had one, albeit under a different email address. Later, I began receiving forwarded chain emails from that girl, who I realized was also from DLSU, but someone I never had for a classmate. Annoyed, I eventually tagged her as spam, and her emails went to where they should be.

The mistake was me telling Caresse about it. I vividly remember telling her that at the stairs of the Sports Complex, waiting for volleyball class to begin, and just reeling from telling her about Kizia. I was looking for a sympathizer, but was also looking for a friend. She merely answered, "baka siya na yung friend na hinahanap mo."

But that's what makes things complicated. You can't just be friends with someone just like that. That's why you have to talk about your interests when you sign those slam books ("if I recall," Edsel warns) in high school. That's why matchmakers ask you to list down good conversation points and favored body parts. There has to be something to begin with, or else your ill-fated life will be peppered by a lot of awkward "am I being obnoxious?" moments.

There's always a big catch to everything, however; in this case, you've got to take a chance, or else you'll never really know the common things between you and the rest of the world. I guess that's what happened with Piyar and our food conversations, or with... I'm having a hard time thinking of something. I can't just cite the card-carrying fangirls without typing veiled expletives, after all. Sure, you might've known about common friends and randomly misattributed qualities, but why am I seated here moaning about my lack of social abilities? Why am I aspiring to hook up with groups of people that I don't really have a hope of hooking up with anyway? Why am I overlooking other people that might have the answer to my questions? (That's how I felt towards Sars and Derek and John, for one.) Is it all just to keep up appearances?

That just made my point moot and academic, and this blog entry, a big loophole. I still refuse to compromise, though, because it means selling out to the status quo. Hoping that others think that way too may be futile, but at least I can say we'll all live with the wrong people until we die.

And your responses...

ang emo. walang prens. peace. :)

minsan, ikaw mag-adjust para magkafriends ka. MINSAN lang ha. baka madaan sa conformity pag madalas. lam mo na..

hanep. mejo pareho pala tayo, walang prens. TT_TT

Anonymous alyn9/29/2008     

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