12/18/2008
Feels like thirty-one

I left my desk an hour later than usual, without anything in mind. I figured I needed the time for contemplation. I came into the office deciding to be very much invisible. I didn't show up on the instant messaging applications, mindful that the effort is futile since there'd be a conference call in the morning. There wasn't, which left me ample time to type in my articles, make sense of my suddenly truncated tasks, and perhaps keep to myself, all while freezing inside the office.

An air conditioning vent is situated right above me. Apart from the grunting sounds, I can sense whether the thing's set down to damn cold, or is turned off. People would usually wear sweaters at this time - to my right, it's tan, pink and black - but I don't. I don't really like bringing out my jacket, first of all, since it's more suitable for those rainy days than cold situations, although it works sometimes, too. And second, well, does it change things? It's still cold.

I quietly stepped out of my desk, went straight to the door, plugged in my earphones and started thinking about where I'll go for lunch. I couldn't think straight. I never really thought about it, but I was running out of options, and I didn't want to go to the mall again. But suddenly I was more than willing to walk around in circles. Never mind being aimless - all I need is the warmth outside.

Afternoon sun. Ultraviolet rays and all.

I usually walk fast, but today, I took my time enjoying the sun. It wasn't as searing as the summer, but it wasn't as cold as Christmas is supposed to be. It wasn't as cold as the office was. It wasn't as cold as I chose to be.

I ended up eating at this newly-opened restaurant, offering the usual grilled stuff. It was almost empty since the lunch hour has passed, but the sun outside is still the brightest I've seen in a while. I think I smelled a swimming pool, even. And I never swim at that. I was looking out the window, waiting for my order to arrive, thinking whether I did the right thing - dodging familiar figures and turning myself into a recluse - but I still couldn't think straight. I never felt my mind clear up, and I never felt things go to perspective, but I felt something permeate. Goosebumps. Grilled pork chops. Even a solo pink figure slowly passing by. It almost moved me to tears.

Sometimes, I think, all I need is time to contemplate. For fear of losing it, or for fear of looking like a fickle-minded immature boy, I do hope my pride is easy to swallow.

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