12/16/2008
Insensitive, dismissive...

Let's put it this way. I got to the office after buying take-out, and I noticed that the three are gone. Off to lunch. Together. It was the scenario I bitched about exactly a week ago, although it turned out to be something much more complicated than what I eventually figured out. Or, it's funny thinking it takes other people figuring things out for me to figure things out.

While I was walking to the mall, I was playing with words in my head. For the past six months, I've been doing a lot of bad decisions, one after another, almost all the time. I figured I shouldn't be waiting for someone to invite me to lunch, but I figured I shouldn't invite anyone either, and so I left deciding to buy myself some take-out. I get back to the office to see three empty desks and no invitation on mine in sight.

That basically confirms what I've been thinking all along: it doesn't mean nobody is after you. No, wait, that isn't my line, but yes, I've always dismissed my scenario as something caused by the nature of our work. If you're writing eight articles a day, and you can't find anything on everything, then you'll spend you time either diligently looking for an angle (like I do) or watching bootlegged television shows (like they do, although I do this too when I'm done). I figured I'd rather leave them alone, although that eventually came to haunt me. Imagine seeing the people you're supposed to relate to the most talk amongst themselves and exclude you outright.

The idea that everybody's busy, however, was discarded when I started getting invitations to lunch. Five months later, it's happening, although I did wonder why it had to came in so late. But, well, I let it be. It happened for roughly three weeks, those lunches with Kris, which took us nowhere because we spent the first part of the trip deciding where to eat, when both of us would go with what the other decides. Apart from the random online conversations, it was something I welcomed wholeheartedly, although I should regret being cynical about the entire thing.

And then last Tuesday happened. In a nutshell, Valerie dropped by the office to get some documents, and asked Neobie to call the rest of us. She skipped me. Neither Glenn nor Kris called me, either. It took Valerie five minutes to ask Neobie to call me again, and when she did, I felt that it was insincere. I went back to my desk feeling very insulted.

The next week was the hardest. It's different when you're living in ignorance, and it's different when the facts are already staring right at your face. I spent the next few days ranting and ranting, and eventually losing motivation over the tasks the folks at Seattle are assigning me to do. It was a tough situation - you want to tell people but you can't tell people. There's always this expectation, really - stay civil - and when you find yourself unable to keep that air of civility over things, you're probably better off imploding. The Christmas party went by and neither of the girls were looking for me - Glenn was apparently sick - while I joked with the other teams. I vanished as quickly, to go home early. Nobody noticed.

"I didn't bring her. Of course it doesn't mean anything, but nobody looked for her, so... there. Kinda cathartic. I don't know."

Yesterday, I lent Valerie my Missy Higgins CD, partly because she started liking her songs thanks to the David Cook connection. She wanted me to tell the others that she's dropping by, but I only told Kris, seriously bent on giving myself something to be happy about. We went down, had a little chat, almost raised the office scenario, but ended up talking about the 13th month pay. I was slightly relieved, as I told Jenn. I still wasn't sprightly at work, but at least I felt relieved - slightly relieved - that I'm dealing with things, as unorthodox as they may seem.

And then there's today. After I finished eating my burger, I felt like crying. I went as far as covering my face and pretending to be tired from all the typing I've just finished, but the three start walking in with plastics of food from the Jollibee branch nearby. Ironically, I planned on eating there, but changed my mind at the very last minute.

Within our team, it was Glenn and Kris who usually went out to lunch. I always ate elsewhere, while Neobie always brought food from home. That started to break within the last few weeks, when Kris somehow managed to convince Neobie to eat at the many restaurants dotting the Ortigas area, probably the same way she convinced me to do so. Or, maybe it was Glenn who managed to convince her, because I always hear him talk to her about random stuff. He's probably doing it to spite me.

So, let's put it this way. I simply told my new supervisor that those three always go out together, and leave me behind. I feel disregarded. I feel insulted. I feel betrayed, even, by all the expectations about how life is, or at least supposed to be. And yet, when nobody is willing to understand where I'm coming from, you can only understand why I feel trapped inside an office that I never wanted to be in, in a situation I thought I'd only encounter in high school. Maybe all those experiences have taught me to not trust anybody, but I'd choose tho believe that while I've tried my best to be civil, all of them are being immature.

Yes, I know that my being paranoid doesn't mean nobody's after me. Yes, I know you wanted to tell me that. I don't care anymore if you shun me, and I won't regret doing this, but yes, I think you hate me the most. You, you, and especially you.

And your responses...

Wow, you're going through people "issues". But, it's alright, hey, if you dont want to be a loner,then invite peeps:D

Anonymous joshua12/16/2008     

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