1/28/2009
Coup de grâce

The idea was, as it seemed, mere catch-up, although there wasn't any need for it. The silence, however, was painful.

Painful, he figured, was different. Deafening is another cliché, but the area was quite noisy, so the existence of silence itself is questionable. He'd rather wait, so he turned his back and looked out to the fairly busy corridor. He stared at the clock. He stared at the desks. He started thinking.

The composition of this shot, well, it feels romantic.

Less than a minute later, he left his spot. Never mind if he was slowly settling his strained muscles, his lazy demeanor and the supposedly awkward silence. Well, there was no silence to speak of already. It was noisy from the beginning, all right, but he felt at peace anyway. Undeniably, though, the hesitation was there before his phone rang, before he proceeded to pick it up, before you peeked out of the wall. A little later, it was as if a cold spell divided him with the rest.

"I'll just stage a walk-out."

He was back in his original position, considerably miles away from where he should be. Or shouldn't be. Was he supposed to be there? Was he welcome in the first place? The frame slowly crumbled, the romance quickly dissipated, and, he figured, to hell with black specs and pink sweaters. He's got work to do.

They did tell him that it's supposed to go this way. Just go with the flow. He'll be honest with you if you give him a chance: he's used to it. Never mind the separation. Never mind that the emails have become professional. He could've wondered whether it was he who started the cold, or if they just wanted him away. But he's an unaccomplished person. He still wants to do things, never mind that he can't do it out of fear, a fear that's arrived already. He's acting as if it hasn't arrived yet, like something bigger is poised to hit him. But, of course, he knew better.

"You left early!" you said. "I never got the chance to say goodbye to you!"

"I'm sorry," he replied. "The awkward silence is just..."

He scrambled for the word.

"...unsettling."

He expected the exchange of apologies, although he knew there wasn't a reason for it. Nothing new really happened in the first place. Perhaps, he felt, it just sucks to be reminded that there are some things in the world that'd never work the way one wanted it. Or, even worse, the expectation that it will work fine, that things will get better, or that it will only happen when something gets done.

They did tell him that he should be friendly, for once. He should reach out. Or, they told him that it's probably because they're insecure, which was impossible, he felt, for they're more accomplished than he is. Insecurity is what he called it.

You tried to console him, as he started that worn-out litany again. Nothing new.

"And besides, I can say goodbye to you any time, right?" he said. "I'm proud to say I have a special spot in your heart. More than anybody else."

And your responses...

wow.

Blogger Niña1/29/2009     

That was... Substantial :)

Blogger Rae1/30/2009     

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