1/22/2009
Live as if you don't exist

Open your eyes.

Don't get up. Turn everything off. Tap the snooze button. Tap the snooze button again. Don't comprehend what your mother is telling you. Tap the snooze button again.

Walk gently. Walk with nary a sound. Or, at least, muffle every sound you make. Plan everything. Have loose change ready beforehand. Pay when you have to. Take a seat. Get squeezed. Close your eyes. Let gravity be.

Walk gently. Mind your right leg. Do nothing if it hurts.

Take a seat. Press a button. Bring out a water bottle. Think of where to throw it. Type in your password. Log in. Stay invisible. Remain invisible for the next ten hours.

Turn everything off.

Delay for a minute. Or ten. Or sixty. Think about it. Realize that sixty minutes is an hour. Stay idle for two. Talk to someone you don't usually talk to. Talk to someone you usually talk to. Talk to no one you're supposed to talk to. Open a second window.

Open a third. A fourth. Start typing.

Continue typing.

Entertain those worthy of your attention.

Think about it. Wonder if you're being paranoid. Wonder if you're doing the right thing. Or if they're doing the right thing. Or the wrong thing. Or anything. If they're doing it intentionally. Or otherwise. Or if you're doing it intentionally. Or otherwise. Or if anybody will invite you for lunch. Or whether you should do it alone.

Compare yourself. You're disconnected from the world. Or they are disconnecting from you. You think bad things. You mull whether you're doing the right thing. But they deserve it. But they don't. But it's your fault. But it's their fault. They don't understand. You don't understand.

Keep your earphones on. Switch stations. Drown out the noise.

Think about leaving. Take the day off. The week. The month. Forever. Write a letter. Ditch everything. Drink a bottle. Two bottles. Three. Sixteen pills. Go to sleep. Know that everybody else does it better than you. Always.

Forget your feelings. They don't matter to them. You're expendable. You're easily replaced. Of no use to anybody.

It's your fault. It's their fault. It's everybody's. Nobody's. Yours.

Tap the snooze button.

Burnout.

And your responses...

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