1/13/2009
Whoever came up with the concept of risks needs a serious load of intervention

I haven't made it through a week yet, and yet I'm already irritable. Very irritable. I think I argued with many unsuspecting people over the past couple of days. I think I've changed a few things forever - the paranoia crap, also known as the frosh year - and I've always been apologetic, at least to myself, on the day after. Only on the day after.

The serene, secure nature that greeted me during the new year has since given way to the usual cynicism and insecurity. My low self-esteem is back, and in a snap of a finger at that. Or, one text message and a handful of crucial decisions.

I've been sitting on my new desk for around four days now. It's pointless, for one, and although you'd probably highlight the advantages ("the gap is just one seat rather than two!"), I'd be quick to play the downside ("there's a bigger exposure to being left behind!"). And, I can't see the window outside anymore. The blinds here are so covered up, I don't even have an idea whether it's raining or not. At least the view got a little better.

Still, yes, the low self-esteem.

I've been doing virtually nothing for the last six hours of my shift. Kris said I should be taking advantage of that lull, because - and I said so myself - when the new shows hit the airwaves, I'll be writing more and more stuff. I blame it on the lack of anything concrete to work with. Thus, as I explained to many other people over the past week, idleness gives me that feeling of worthlessness, something that Valerie was quick to refute: "Sakit ng Lasallians yan. Hindi ka nag-iisa."

All I've been doing is explain myself to an audience that isn't really willing to listen to my explanations.

Today, I found myself going down for lunch in a jiffy. I was hungry, for one, having eaten a smaller amount of food in the morning than usual. Another reason, well, I don't know. It just felt like I had to rush, to the point that I was feeling my stomach turn and my pulse spike up as I walked to McDonald's for take-out. I didn't know going to a fast food restaurant serves for an adventure. I got there, gave my order, got my plastic bags, and walked back. That was actually it.

Sometimes I wonder why I do the weirdest things with the most mundane of situations. What everybody else can do effortlessly, I'll have to measure, and measure, and measure again. Sure, I'll look like a fool whenever I try to get my fingers to work, either by waving, or by texting something uplifting (Ariane, I failed here when I got seriously dismayed), or by just doing what you have to do. More often than not, I look puzzled thinking whether I'm in the right place, at the right time, with the right people.

I'm torn with living up to responsibilities and doing what comes naturally to me. But hey, that's different from losing your self-esteem, and that's happening right about now...

And your responses...

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