2/14/2009
Forty-three

I actually find structures useful. If I'm trying to make something big really work, I'm probably planning things out in advance. Ideas get mapped in my head, routed towards each other, given a space to breathe in and ultimately developed as I see it fit.

For some reason, that's what I did for the past two weeks. Day fourteen is the ultimate - another one of those excuses to write about things that I'd rather not write about. The final line would be a status message that Valerie liked a couple of weeks back. Along the way, the concept gets slowly propped up. Day one was about waiting. Day four should have been about attraction, although it ended up appearing on day five. A few more conversations later, I got something for day six - something about oppression.

I had it all beautifully set up, really. Day eleven, or day twelve, would probably have something about ambivalence, a concept that I picked up from a former college professor a couple of weeks back as well. I figured I'm this confusing person - I like things that I hate, and I hate things that I like. I was pretty close to quoting Ale's "I'm a walking contradiction" line, and went as far as to retrace its origins in my head. I think it came from Huey.

And, the last seven days should have been dedicated, behind the scenes, to unearthing every reference to the concept that I have made before. Perhaps, as far back as June, when it never mattered, to the following month, when it was on the verge of being such. I knew where to look for those lines - words that Carmel, or Anna, or Jenn, or Majet, or Ariane, or Jackie, or Ella, or Icka, or Asia, or Valerie, said - and, since I usually have lots of free time after lunch, I figured I can go back to the past, pull out choice bits, and compile them.

I had my thoughts figured out.

So why are you hanging on, even if it isn't really going to be worth it?

Because there's no turning back. What happened cannot be undone. What was thought cannot be forgotten. Truth is, your sunshine is irreversible.

Day fourteen could've been a declaration of some sorts. That's what the ambivalence reference was about: the fact that you don't want something you actually want, or are at least very much confused about what to do with it. Step back one, step back two, step back three, then forward again, until it becomes - another Valerie term - a vicious infinite loop. It was like that. I'll do something, I won't, I'm not allowed, I'm infuriated, I've seen this happen before. I get annoyed at the fact that I can't do anything, and yet I get annoyed at the fact that I badly want to do something, and despite the ambiguity of my actual intentions, it's like, here are your feelings, go work with it.

And then you settle, and then it happens again. Smack in the face. It will never be worth it.

So, do you continue accommodating something which you've been rejecting even if it actually gets you through the day - and ruins it for you?

And do I continue the plan that I've worked on half-consciously but meticulously for the past month, while I'm idle and while I'm asleep, while I'm tortured and while I'm relieved?

No.

And your responses...

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