3/06/2009
A lullaby to sleep to

The idea was to let go, but that was an understatement. It appears as if you had a daunting task in front of you. You weren't just to let go - or, better yet, you cannot let go until you address some issues. There's trust. There's confidence. There's actually making things work, making sure they don't get affected by whatever it is happening outside, or within you. You had to look the part before you can do it.

Well, it should be easy, then. Just keep quiet and keep to yourself, shouting out everything that you feel in obscure metaphors and complicated subject lines.

It did not work.

And now, you're forced to let it go with your dignity missing. Or, at least, that's what I think you think, or feel. And you're wondering how, for all the subtlety you could employ, things got out of hand. After all the conversations with people you trusted, all the details you kept secret and all the details you let slip thinking it won't be noticed, this. All your perceptions were wrong. Terribly wrong. And, rather you slip away with the peace of mind you've missed for so long, you have to leave begrudgingly.

You didn't want to leave different. Inevitably, however, you will. And you have.

So the plan got messed up. It was, after all, supposed to be an innocent, wistful feeling; it was supposed to be something that you'd be quietly happy about, something that'd keep you afloat for the rest of the day, or for the rest of your stay. But, inevitably, you wanted more. You thought you deserved it, and you started fighting with yourself, about the things you should be doing, or other people say you should be doing, and the things you cannot do, or other people think you cannot do.

You did keep your calm, for most of the time, and stayed quiet, but you did forget that one important fact that you shouldn't have delegated to the literary cliché bin: actions speak louder than words.

And, now that you look back, you should have known. You were walking inches separated on the sidewalk, and turning your head at the worst time. You were acting with a smile on your face every time an opportunity came. Bashed your head when it disappeared. All your attempts at cracking jokes, at being personable, well, it showed. Perhaps you shouldn't have presumed she wouldn't get it, because she will, and as much as you believe in the goodness of people, not everybody will understand what you want to do, or to who you want to do it with.

I could try appeasing you by saying she wouldn't understand it anyway. But there it is. She doesn't want anything to do with you, even if you're trying your best not to have anything to do with her. So stop trying, as much as you want to try because it's the best thing to do, and because doing nothing isn't going to help you in any way. Stop doing anything. Just stay there and be idle. Take a break. Stop.

Afterwards, the only thing left to do is just to slip away. You have lost your dignity, although that's probably too much to say. But you can rebuild that. You can disappear and show up somewhere else, where you can start again and pick up, piece by piece, everything that your efforts have shattered. I can't blame you for aiming far, and I can't blame you for wanting things to happen, but I guess it just wasn't meant to be, even if you thought it was.

And it will take a long time, but that's how it should be. Perhaps, much longer than the time you've spent hoping for a breakthrough, either to get closer, or to get away. You only have one option left. You no longer have to save face, like you always wanted to do, for there is nothing left to save. At least, until you finally take that first step.

And your responses...

hi! niko, i like this blog entry of yours.. true.. :)

Anonymous Anonymous3/06/2009     

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