5/16/2009
Be posh in thirty days!

Yes, that claim does seem a little outrageous, but you too can be posh in just thirty days. And yes, I can help you attain just that. I'd like to think I have the right credentials to help you elevate in status and become as posh as the people around you. I spend my idle time walking around in malls and observing people that seem to have it all. And then there's my fatal insecurity about myself, which only motivates me to figure out these methods. And, like every other outrageous claim, I am sharing my tips to you.

My first tip is quite simple, really. You've been to the stands, checking out all those magazines just to learn more about those products that could make you look beautiful, or those moves that could make you look intelligent? Ditch them. All of them. They tell you about what to do, all right, but first of all, they're extremely commercialized - often, the best products are the ones you can't even buy, because they presume you can. Or, they're hard to find and hard to understand, which literally makes your efforts harder than the result. It'll only make you more miserable - and I've yet to mention the sexy ladies and gentlemen that adorn those magazines. It simply tells you that, even if you buy that aftershave and use it the right way, you'll never get close to Megan Fox in her underwear.

If you observe the posh people closely, they're who they are not because of what they think, or say, or know, nor because of who they are with. In fact, it's all because of something more superficial: their outward appearances. Whatever or whoever they know, they picked up in pursuit of that look. You don't really have to read up on things and be passionate about them: you just have to follow the trail and you can bluff your way to being posh. Everything else should fall into place.

So, what are they wearing? It's hard to categorize, really, but there are a few characteristics. They're in touch with the prevailing urban sensitivities of the time. They're in cool colors - never the screaming ones, unless the occasion calls for it. They're simple in its complications - a coherence in disparity, or perhaps they're sparse. Most importantly, they fit the person literally. Nothing too big, nothing too baggy, and nothing that doesn't show their physical flaws. In other words, they're way better than what you're wearing, no matter what.

So, take a look at your wardrobe. If there's an outfit that screams personality, ditch it. Being posh means being slightly monotonous - just slightly, for it's an inconsistent balancing act. There's no one template for everybody. If I may warn you, though, it'll be a long period of trying and tweaking, since you'll always feel that you're worse than whoever you're pegging yourself at.

If you can, you can also try tanning yourself. Make sure you get tan lines in the crucial parts - on both your shoulders. You don't need to go to the beach and endure self-disappointment; there's always the roof of your house, or your yard, or constant cooking in the kitchen. Just make sure that the look is consistent with being in the beach, or else it'd look awkward, asymmetrical and the opposite of posh. You can also take a look at your face, and try everything you can to smoothen all the blemishes. Posh people don't use make-up, and yet they look radiant and clean; you can either go to your friendly dermatologist, or scrub your face until it burns every single time you get the chance. Remember, this is optional: some terribly pimply people are considered posh.

Maybe you're asking: is being posh really just a physical thing? For the most part, yes. Humans are naturally drawn to good looks, and those good looks are defined by the most dominant of them, which happen to be posh. But it's a two-prong approach. As you try to get it right, you pick up the other characteristics, desirable or otherwise, and unconsciously apply it to your life. You take on new interests. You learn to speak better English. You start doing different gestures. You'll think of nudity as art, of football as a celebration, and of sex as a necessary indulgence. Soon enough you'll learn to, at the very least, bluff your life away - being posh doesn't mean being intelligent or substantial anyway, because all you need to talk about are yourselves, or your companions' problems.

It should be pretty easy when all you want is to gain someone's attention and hold it for a mutually-beneficial amount of time. But you'll have to consider the disadvantages, though. You'll always look at yourself under the shadow of the people you aspire to be with. Or, you've lost so much of yourself you can't start interacting when you have to. Trust me, I've tried all of these and I'm still trying to strike that balance, even if it's been waaay longer than thirty days. Being us sucks, doesn't it?

And your responses...

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