7/26/2009
I slightly want space suits

I wasn't always like this. I mean, I never always despaired about my feelings for someone. No sleepless nights (which is an exaggeration, but still) spent being anxious over whether that someone knew about what I felt for her. No deep conversations with her best friends about possibilities and probabilities. I was perhaps a little crazier then: I always found a way to tell that someone my feelings, whether it's a note on tissue paper, or a random slip in a conversation. Back then I never really worried about adverse results, because there never were any.

Well, not until this girl came along. We were in the same class, and I was still relatively naïve back then, so I had scant idea of how life worked in a different setting. Okay, college. But she's nice and sprightly and bubbly and just like all the other girls I fell for, only she was in college, and I felt a little fearless, which was odd because we didn't talk as much as we should. But we talked, still.

So one day, I came up to her and, well, I didn't really plan anything. I guess it just happened, but I thought of telling her anyway, because I figured, heck, it's just a crush, and a crush wouldn't do any harm, right? Well, at least until you become borderline obsessed and you know more things about her than she does. In hindsight, it's odd that I decided to drop that line in front of her friends.

"Alam mo, may crush ako sa'yo."

At that moment, it finally happened: I became anxious. Oh goodness, I just told her, and it can only go downhill from here. Curses!

"Ganun? Okay!"

It was a life-changing experience. Lesson number one: don't tell anyone what you feel, because there are only two possible reactions when you tell someone something like it. Either she treats it like useless trivia that only works in bars and parties, or she hates you for it forever. Sure, she treated it like useless trivia, but it felt a little good at that moment - she sounded her usual sprightly back then, even - but don't expect her to treat it like it's a privilege, because they won't go and say something like "alam mo ba, may crush sa'kin si Niko". More often than not, they'll be happier if the guy they're swooning for notices them, and it's never you.

Lesson number two: Don't get too giddy over it. If you act as if nothing's happening, there's a lesser chance that you'll want to spill it, and a lesser chance that you'll feel bad over saying it or otherwise. Obviously, I didn't follow that lesson well, and all the other girls, I think, found me a little creepy for my admissions, or lack of it. Statistically, I was never close with anybody that came after that girl in the story above. At least not that close - not as close as I am with her, and that's not even as close as some think.

Lesson number three: Always distract yourself. There's always something nearby when you find yourself getting a little deep. I'm the nostalgic sort, so more often than not I'm looking back at the time when things were much simpler - you know, back when you didn't worry about making an impression to that girl you like, back when all you had to do is be yourself and admit things and hope for the best. Maybe unintended or otherwise, but it should happen.

Oddly, I think I'm regressing a bit. Let's disregard the in-betweens, then. Scenario two involved one night of problems and two terms of not talking. Scenario three was a bit worse, because it involved a birthday gift and an urge to spill. Scenario four was goofy, because I told her first, and even planted a kiss on her cheek; I don't know what happened afterwards. Scenario five was fluffy. Scenario six was fucked up. Scenario seven sees me returning to scenario one, and I'm not even forcing it. You know, marriage, children, happy endings... maybe that one was real. Maybe that's why it was so effortless.

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