8/25/2009
Let's have pizza delivered

It's only been two days into week sixty-one. You know what comes next.

I guess it's just another one of those days. Or periods. Time periods. People say you've improved and then you start sinking immediately after. Maybe people should stop noticing that I'm better. Better, not happier. Happy never happens to me anyway. Probably never will. More so when I notice that something's always off. Three empty seats rather than two, perhaps. Coughs that sound more like orgasms.

I think I forgot how it feels to be elated. The feeling that you're doing something you really like with someone you know really likes it, too. Those little impulsive adventures that get you nowhere, or get you against the way of things, but you don't really care for it, or even think about it, because you're elated. Trips to the sea without life vests. Impromptu dates at the park. Sudden trips to the cinema. Planning things out.

I was chatting with Tonet last Sunday. No, I don't blame her for my sinking. I was sinking before she even got there. We just talked about things. I was trying to articulate myself but I wasn't able to. I didn't want to talk about it. At least bother going into detail. That feeling. People screw you, you can't screw them back. You screw people, worse things happen to you.

I used to think letting go of hypocritical "friendships" would make me feel that I'm in control of my life.

I miss that feeling of elation. One toss, one good response, recognition, appreciation, whatever. Something tangible, rather than words written out. You can sense that they're all cobbled together as an afterthought. I'm tired of being an afterthought. I've always been an afterthought. I make plans, they back out, saying they forgot. Nobody forgets. Everybody pushes stuff down. They don't want you around, they can just kick you out. I do the same, I don't know. I can't. They won't.

You know the feeling of being just comfortable, or letting yourself go just a bit because you're actually having fun? Can you tell me how that feels again?

And your responses...

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