11/14/2009
The dry patch

No, I'm not complaining about me not being able to write as many blog entries as I should. One, it's the November sweeps, and I find myself a bit busier than usual. Two, I came from Singapore, so I have a little bit more to work on, although thankfully it's all finished. Three, I actually have a lot of things to write about, and I've gone as far as outlining my thoughts on paper.

The catch, however, is this: I shouldn't write about those ideas just yet, because there are more pressing matters at hand. And that's where the problem is. "I want to write a blog entry but I just can't," I wrote on Twitter. I knew I had to write something but I just couldn't. It's nothing really urgent, but it's one of those times when certain things around you trigger certain things inside you, and your brain flicks a switch and tells you to go write something. I managed at some point, but not today. "Unfortunately," I eventually told Stella, "we are not encouraged to express ourselves, because it will 'hurt other people'."

There was, after all, some hesitation on my part to put those things into words. Part was, admittedly, because I couldn't articulate what I had in my head. But it's also because I've written so many things that way before, and always, the pay-off is pretty severe: things get cut off, people get cut off, and you've made more damage when you try explaining yourself, or just letting out. "But it's your blog," Icka once told me, after reading one of my angrier blog entries, when I expressed anxiety over my intended subjects reading it and lashing back. More or less, she said, nobody should care about what I write on my public private space, because it is my private space, however public it may be.

Yes, but nobody wants to get hurt, too. Not that I care. At the moment all I could care about is not hurting myself, not hurting myself further, not after all of this. The least I could get, then, for my quest towards self-preservation, or whatever amounts to it, is the understanding that I'm saying what I'm saying because I have to. But people will come to me and say, "huwag mo ngang sabihin yan, kasi malay mo, mali ka, makasakit ka pa ng iba," but since when did that matter? It happens anyway. People find out about what I say and get hurt, and retaliate, whatever means they retaliate. "Tumahimik ka na lang," they would all go, "or else mapapatay ka pa." So what, keep it all inside and let it destroy you? What do you really want?

Whatever I have outlined, they're just observations that make me look, well, observant, someone who can write a book about all these things, and probably sell. None of it are the frustratingly angry stuff. I can't refute a friend's allegation that unfollowing me on Twitter because they're "stalking" someone does not have a dent on our friendship, because heck, your friend unfollowed me on Twitter because she didn't like what I said, and we've not talked since.

And I'm not allowed to say that I won't apologize to her for being such a smug bitch, because I thought she was not being supportive when I'm doing the one thing she wants me to do, because it'll chip away from her successful stance, whatever.

And I'm not welcome to write about my insecurities seeing all of my "friends" hang out with their real friends, leave me aside, partly because they don't need me anymore, because I didn't do anything, and then they'd go have fun and dismiss anything and everything I do to get their favors, if that even works.

And I'm not supposed to say that I felt hurt, by seeing those people laugh when I struggled to say what I say, when I felt that they were disrespecting me openly, which shatters an illusion that I long know is not true.

And I'm not permitted to say something that I'm not sure about, but I know I'm pretty sure of for the past few weeks now. I'm only allowed to let it go but you won't let me go. I'm not allowed to say names, and all I can write is something along the lines of "this adversarial relationship has gone below civil." Something obscure, something that is not enough. Because nothing can equal what I'm feeling right now, and nothing can equal the things I want to let out, but nothing can equal the opposition from everybody, preventing me to say what I want to say, because it will hurt people, and because it will affect me badly in the end. Myself included.

And your responses...

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