12/14/2009
The thaw

One of the things I hate about myself is my inability to decide, and to stick with that decision. I guess it's my nature to be very fickle and very impulsive. I just can't stick with things. I'll want one thing and the next hour I won't. I'll prefer one thing and the next hour I'll hate it. And you know how most people are with those who can't make up their minds. It doesn't really look good.

So, to compensate, lately I've been sticking with the decisions I've made. If before my feelings change every time circumstances change, this time I'm sticking with them regardless of whether time and space has moved things around, rendering everything I've decided on before moot. I can't do one thing that will change my life? I'll do something much more shallow, and stick with it. I can't let go of someone? I'll easily let go of someone else. It gives me a sense of satisfaction and accomplishment, the feeling that I can do anything I set my mind into.

Of course, there are problems. I'll still look bad, if not worse. One, this means I'm not good at prioritizing. Why set your mind towards something that wouldn't really change your life? Why spend thousands of pesos on something that you wouldn't touch after six days, rather than save the money and buy yourself something that you'll find useful forever, or at least for a while? Why devote all your energy to getting rid of something you're actually better off with, and instead dedicate yourself to pursuing something that wouldn't help you at all?

Two, this means I can easily ditch things once I see something that I think will make me happy. A paradox, you could say, that someone who's literally begged to have friends around will literally take them for granted when the time actually comes. They're here, but you'd rather try making friends with the new girl who isn't any interested in you. She probably hates you, for all you know. And you're sticking with it because you'll feel fulfilled when you succeed. You've done something right. Sure, you're badly bruised and more isolated by those efforts.

I have terrible self-esteem issues. I've always felt that whatever I do always fails because I never set my mind to it. Must be my built-in easily-distracted nature. That, or everybody else around me say that I should man up with the consequences of everything I decided to do before. You pushed them away, so live by yourself and stop moping! And then they'll beg you, or force you, to reverse your earlier decision. What should you really do? Let things fade away until it doesn't exist? Let things develop until you can't control it anymore? It's funny thinking that nobody is really able to stick with their decisions, especially if it's one that other people made for themselves. It will take a lot of time to flip.

And your responses...

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