1/09/2010
The problem with rainbows and a vivid imagination

"It's breast cancer awareness month, so we'll all post the color of the bras we're wearing right now. I'm wearing black."

I don't really mind. It's a noble cause, and an imaginative campaign, too.

"Skin-tone. Is that right?"

But there's a problem, though.

"Purple."

"Red, and proud of it!"

I'm afraid that I'll sound like a pervert here, but this isn't really the most helpful thing for someone who's got a vivid imagination.

"Pink. A bright pink."

I mean, I shouldn't really mind, especially if I've seen you in a bikini, which makes it, I don't know, less perverse thinking about it. Say, if Olivia Munn participated, it wouldn't be so bad, because I've seen her in lingerie.

"Beige. Sort of."

But I haven't seen you in lingerie.

"White!"

And it's not something I expect to see, either.

"Pink and white. Stripes. Yeah."

But my mind works visually. Tell me something and I'll try to see it in my head. This dude got hit by a car and his guts spilled out. I'll try to see that in my head, and I'll understand, more or less. Being surrounded by all these colors on Facebook? By default my head thinks of a woman's bust, with a bra over it, and that color. And all the other details.

"Green."

And it leaves nothing to the imagination!

"Black. But it's slightly see-through... am I being too detailed?"

Yes, you are.

"Gray."

Okay, so you're probably saying, "come on, Niko, if you don't want to look like a pervert - and, by the way, you are a fucking pervert writing about this - then stop thinking about it!" And I could. "Stop reading our posts!" And I could! But the campaign is inescapable, and every woman I know is posting a color, and maybe dealing with all the encouraging or jokey of off-the-cuff comments, and I know why they're posting colors, and my mind's doing what it always does, and I feel freaking bad for actually knowing it. It's much like knowing what having 36D breasts mean, only far worse. Or are they the same?

"It's a flower pattern. Must be pink, and red, and some other color."

Come on, don't form an angry mob. That doesn't mean I'll never stop thinking about the colors you posted! It's already bad if I've had the hots for you. Doubly bad, maybe. And don't tell me I can't write about it - it's bad enough that I had to, because I think it's a valid observation on life! Another failed attempt at humor! Worse, I'm making myself look bad! What about the others who might've, in an odd twist of fate, taken an interest at me?

"I'm not wearing one. Full commando!"

Oh, come on!

And your responses...

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