3/28/2011
Yes, a year and a half is forever in your world, and it's forever in my world too...

Both of my hands are holding my iPod touch. The Twitter application (sorry, app) is open. There's a tweet I want to reply to, in the most unusual way imaginable. And by that, I actually mean a way I vowed I'd never do. So, instead, I compose that tweet in my head and let it go.

Good morning, private crush!

My mind races back to a conversation I had with Hazel a few months back. It was one of the first Twitter conversations we had. This was shortly (or maybe not, I can't remember) after I found her online, which was months after we first made acquaintances. So she talks about us being technically online friends despite meeting before, and I say, "we met once, not enough for me to gaze into your eyes..."

It is, I'll admit, a really pathetic thing to say. But that was me being a bit playful, I guess.

"Can I just say," she replies, "I think that was sorta flirty, dude!"

Earlier in the conversation we were talking about flirting. I don't remember why we were talking about that, but we just were. I remember saying that I never did it before, and then she points out that I already am. "Sorta."

I know. I complained about this before. I wrote about this before. "Tell me," I asked Gwen. "Do I fail at flirting because I don't know when I do?" So how exactly is flirting defined, then? Flirting is a common form of social interaction whereby one person obliquely indicates a romantic or sexual interest towards another. I am aghast after reading that description. As it turns out, I've been flirting all this time.

But before I was aghast, I started being really conscious of myself. No more hints. Not that I vowed never to like someone again - the lack of blog entries devoted to the matter is no indication - but I've long figured that my interests should stay private. You say something, even if it's in an oblique manner, and you still say something. Someone will get the message. And something bad will always happen. Or, at least, something awkward.

Which leads me back to me, my iPod touch, and that tweet I'm composing in my head. Good morning, private crush!

Or should it be secret crush? Either term sounds wrong, or it's me being picky with my words. Why am I saying that anyway? It's supposed to be a joke, and yes, jokes are half-meant, but then again, I'm not saying this as a joke. I'm saying this as a random drop of truth, from out of nowhere, which will be forgotten. And why shouldn't I? It's not something that has bothered me, as much as the others. But why should I? Because it won't be forgotten. It will be awkward from here on out. But it has been forgotten. You already did this before, only with different words.

I decide not to do it. Frankly, I didn't have a reason to, at least not until those eyes - I've gazed into them long enough, until I decided to look elsewhere because it's distracting me - come up again, in my daydreams. But not before I start wondering. I may not indicate any interest of any sort, but will anything I say suggest that? Will everything I say suggest that? Because you cannot keep anything in. So I must be flirting all along. Flirting with Hazel, flirting with Gwen, and yes, writing those words made me feel filthy, because I certainly did not plan it all along.

Oh well. Good afternoon, person I'm actually, unknowingly flirting with.

And your responses...

Post a Comment