5/21/2011
Continuation

I just finished watching the last two episodes of the second series of Being Human. The idea of Annie, George and Mitchell being torn apart by so many things gets me riled up.

I have mood swings, and I tend to get too emotional. I watch certain films and, in several occasions, I end up crying, and screaming at the screen, yelling invectives at whatever's happening. "Putang ina! Dapat yang mangyari sa'yo, punyetang gago ka!" I do this with the news too, more often. I get too emotional. My parents hate me for that. I can only yell at the screen and not at their face, they'd say. More or less they hate it when I shout. You're not allowed to get angry.

You're not allowed to get angry, because it tears people apart, and God knows what the consequences are. God knows why I decided I hated my last "best friend", why I decided to unfollow her on Twitter despite a bad Internet connection, which meant the cut wasn't as clean as it should. But I was angry. And I hated her. I hated her for not being there anymore. But I did not want to lose her. I couldn't afford to lose her. There are only a few people on my side now. Why can't I just fucking swallow my pride?

But no. You're also not allowed to bottle your feelings up, because everything builds up and it will tear people apart, and God knows what the consequences are. Pretend everything's all right. Everything's all right now. And it does feel that way. And then it doesn't.

You're not allowed to lie, but you're not allowed to tell every truth you know either.

You're not allowed to discriminate, but you're not allowed to trust everyone either.

You're not allowed to do something, but you're not allowed to do nothing either.

Screaming, yelling at the screen, throwing all those cuss words? You're not supposed to do that. You cannot be enraged. You cannot be passionate. It's just a fucking screen. It's just a scenario unfolding in front of you. And you very well know that when you do that, you feel empty inside, you feel guilty, you feel terrible, because you blew your composure. But what are you supposed to do? Keep quiet? Keep up appearances? Humanity doesn't know what it wants. It prefers one thing, and then it prefers another, and it flitters between options depending on the situation. We cannot be consistent. You say it's adaptable: I say it's confusing, especially when you deem one option to be the best option and everybody else says it isn't.

Surely you found yourself overwhelmed by everything, to the point that you just want to break down in tears? And then you remember that you cannot cry, that you are not supposed to cry?

I happen to have no one by my side anymore. It was necessary. And you will say I fucked up my only chance at salvation.

And your responses...

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