6/18/2011
Falling down the rabbit hole

The catch is, you tend to take things personally. Very personally.

See, you've made the perfect situation for yourself. Everything has, for some reason, fallen into place, and you believe - you genuinely believe - that all of this is what you need to keep yourself afloat. Nothing can take it away from you.

And then, somewhere along the way, it falls apart, and you feel like the world is pretty much going against you. Oh, damn it. Won't you give me this one time? Just this one time?

It's funny, how you take these things personally. It's that mix of awkwardness and anger. Actually, you're not angry. Maybe disappointment is more like it. But you don't really have the right to be disappointed. You see, nobody really owes you anything. It wasn't like it's critical. It wasn't like it's an earth-shaking thing, like that so-called Rapture that quickly became a pop culture buzzword. It's just you, latching your hopes on one thing, and one thing alone. The perfect situation for yourself. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can take it away from you.

Still, nobody's stopping you from being disappointed - being genuinely disappointed, although that doesn't really cut it, because, of course, it's a mix, a confusing mix. Anyway, nobody's stopping you from being disappointed, so you start thinking, well, I didn't fuck this one up. You did. But you know that your logic doesn't carry much weight. But, what the heck, you prefer to feel disappointed. It happens. It's just you, latching your hopes on one thing, and one thing alone. The perfect situation for yourself. Nothing can go wrong. Nothing can take it away from you.

Then again, you never really had it in the first place. And you know that. You know that very well.

I hate it when I tell myself that I will not do the same mistakes that I did before. It's happened to me too many times. It goes well for a while, and then reality hits you - preferably kicks you in the ass, but that's me being filthy - and you realize that, all along, you're being delusional. I say I'm just lonely and desperate, but really, I'm just delusional. And I'm falling down the rabbit hole again. I thought I already learned from my mistakes. Heck, I managed not to do those mistakes for so long now. And here I am again, falling.

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