12/19/2011
Another exercise in insecurity

I had this conversation with Gwen a few months back - maybe a few years back, even; this was the time when she showed more interest in me. Err, when we talked a lot more.

I don't remember exactly how we got there nor why we got there, and I obviously don't remember what exactly was said. But we were talking about that time in a person's life when he feels like breaking all the rules.

"I never went through that stage," I told her.

"I already have," she said. That's not exactly what she said, but as I said, I can't remember specifics. But I'm sure she said something along the lines of, "I'm glad I have already gone through that stage."

There I was, in front of a computer, a 21-year-old talking to a 20-year-old (or was she 19? I'm probably confusing her with someone else) about that time in your life when you do not agree with everything. And getting past that time, and feeling very mature.

I definitely remember squirming. I always felt little compared to everybody else I talked to. I was always surrounded by older people. You know, a year older, because I skipped a level in pre-school. So I always had to look up to them by default. Older people tend to know more, after all.

Little do I realize that I'm doing the same to people younger than me. By my logic, sure, people younger than me should know less than me. They've lived less life than I have. Of course, that is wrong. That is very wrong. Chances are, the younger people I know have experienced more than I have. They've gone through those stages, and I haven't. You know, like Gwen.

It doesn't make for a good feeling, being terribly insecure about yourself, knowing that you're too late for certain things. Or maybe everything.

Today I realize that I'm possibly going through that rebellious stage. At 22, I'm having one of those irrational "I want my own room" thoughts. Seriously. I've always had to share a bedroom with a sibling, which makes me, in a way, a punching bag privacy-wise.

Of course, when you think about it, it is an irrational thought. You'll spend lots of money, for one. And also, nobody likes people with irrational thoughts, no matter how technically correct they are. Nobody wants someone who sets out to break the rules, or something.

People around me must think I'm so crazy. No wonder nobody wants me around.

Thus, I don't know as much as a 21-year-old does.

Like this, really.

I shouldn't have written this, yes?

And your responses...

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