4/21/2012
The adventures of Ron Paul Gosselaar

One day I found myself in a packed elevator with a handful of foreigners. One of them, an old guy, likely an American, maybe a European, probably in his sixties, is obviously taller than me.

Now, I'm an inch under six feet (if you believe most records) and most people already consider me tall, excluding basketball players, of course. And Jan. He's tall. Anyway, so imagine being told that you're taller than most, and suddenly you're beside someone who's taller than you. It's like you're literally shrinking.

But then again, the guy in the elevator is American. Maybe European. Definitely Caucasian. They'll always be taller than you. That's one thing you'll have to give up. But you'll always look younger than them. Take this example I'd always cite to Icka. Twilight stars. Robert Pattinson. He's 25. He's British. Compare him alongside his co-star Justin Chon. He's 30. He's Korean. Who looks younger?

"Don't forget John Cho," she added. He's 39. He's 39. And Chris Pine is 31.

Lesson: what Caucasians get in height, they lose in youthfulness.

"I'm 5'10"," Kira said. "What does that mean for me? I've been going on 30 since I was six."

Kira, by the way, is 24, although I've always pegged her as a 26.

"Trying to imagine you looking just the way you do right now, at age six," I answered. "Cannot."

"The way I do now? I'm not 30 yet! I've always been mature for my age. All of my friends are around 30 and [are] married with kids."

Maybe being surrounded by folks in their 30s make you look older than you are. I've always been surrounded by older people, being the youngest in my class throughout most of my life, and look at me. I don't look youthful.

"Of course you're not 30! But you look older than 24. You look like a 26 to me. Again, Caucasian theory."

"Caucasian theory? Sounds like a terrible thrash metal band."

"Terrible because they're white supremacists, or terrible because they just are?"

"I was thinking they'd be terrible in general... but they've probably been to a cross burning once or twice."

I wonder what's going on there. We want their youthfulness. But we want to stay white! Of course you can't have both. You can have one. Or, in my case, none at all.

"If you don't know my real age, how old do you think I am?"

That's Dinna. She's Indonesian. She's around 30, I think. I haven't seen many of her photos - she seems to be shier than Kira, an observation affirmed by the fact that the latter performs on stage and the former doesn't - but I have always pegged her as a 26. And I've always known she's 30.

"I think you look young to me, Dinna," Kira replied. "I'd  say 19-ish. But you don't act like that, thank goodness."

I'm trying to stifle my laughter. Thankfully this is all online.

"Okay," Dinna said. "I can take 26, but 19-ish? Good God, bless him!"

"You must be a very mature, and somewhat jaded, 19-year-old," I answered. "Who grapples with grammar a lot. Teenage stress."

"Maybe I'm actually a 19-year-old trapped in the mind of a 30-something spinster. Oh, and if you haven't known, dear Kira, I'm 31."

I laughed. But then again, I was at work.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaa? I thought we were all basically the same age! Eh, close enough! See? I said all my friends are around 30!"

But I am just 23!

Anyway, I'm a year off my calculations. But at least I'm not off twelve years. And besides, it's not like you can't do anything to look younger. In Kira's case, it's using photos of her that make her look young. (I know, it's probably a ridiculous suggestion, but remember, we're all talking on Twitter here.) The discussion somehow shifted towards a discussion of what "smize" means, a relatively alien concept to me because I never watched America's Next Top Model. "Smize-ing is the difference between Kristen Stewart and Zeddie Little," Kira said.

Zeddie Little happens to be Ridiculously Photogenic Guy. Or, as Kira somehow decided to call him, Ron Paul Gosselaar. My abbreviations and Twitter's 140-character limit are to blame.

It must be nice, having your perfect looks immortalized in a million Tumblr reblogs. Oh, and also, Good Morning America. At least you don't have to worry about looking younger or older than your actual age. You will grow old and get shriveled up, but people will always remember your alien-like smile as you ran that marathon, like they always do with dead people. Farrah Fawcett, say. When she died, that classic photo of hers from the 1970s was everywhere.

In my case, I'll be remembered as a 30-year-old, at least according to Kira. Not too late, though. I should follow my own advice and publish photos of myself that make me look delicate. I should start smize-ing. Smile with my eyes. Hard task for someone like me, who wears eyeglasses. (Where did you think was I going to?) Or Photoshop. Yes, Photoshop. They do it to celebrities, right? It's like adding make-up through the computer.

Speaking of which, I was rewatching Wilfred while writing this entry, the episode where Wilfred started believing he's a servant of God, if not God himself. Appearing in that episode is Rashida Jones, who looked quite hot in her black frames. She's 36. She's 36.

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