4/20/2012
Misogyny going nowhere

Am I being a hypocrite if I declare, insistently, that I like Katy Perry's eyes?

Well, no. I do like Katy Perry's eyes. They're expressive and fun, and she has gorgeous eyelashes.

And, well, yes. I do like Katy Perry's eyes, but I look down. To her breasts. Partly the reason why I bought a magazine with her on the cover. She's topless, she's obviously covering her assets, and the whole thing's blown up a whole page. Closest thing to life-sized, safe to say.

So, again, I, a guy with raging hormones, a guy who doesn't understand his raging hormones, ask: what makes a good pair of boobs?

Yes, you can turn away now. Come on, I don't mind.

I wrote three and a half years ago, the idea that the bigger the boobs, the sexier the girl. I never quite figured out why. Up to now. Big boobs imply someone who's, literally, very straightforward. Look at them. Look at them. You get headlines that go, Britain's biggest boobs! They're 37Js! (Does that exist? Working with my memory here.) Also, it looks unhealthy. Very heavy. Back pains. They always talk about back pains. The interviews always go there. Do you feel uncomfortable? Well, duh. People stare at me, and my back hurts. And then you go, "I want proof." Something I always say, I'm aware.

Proportion works best. As with everything, really.

Also, natural works best. You look at fake boobs and you know something's not quite right: it doesn't drop properly. But you stare at it anyway. It looks awesome! And then, it's fake? Wooow. Again, you don't want it to feel too straightforward. (You'd probably be more amazed if they aren't too big. Just right. I'd cite someone but only one person will understand. I'm not dragging his name into this.) It's distracting from the rest of the sexiness. Like, how can Mila Kunis get away with A-cups? Because they're A-cups. Once upon a time Megan Fox was sexy. I'm not alleging, however, that her boobs are fake.

Yes, you asked the right question. Why am I writing this blog entry?

I don't know, really. I was just reading my magazines when I thought of the first four paragraphs, and then I decided to see where it will lead me, and here I am. I don't quite know what I'm doing, and yet I'm still doing it. Kat Dennings. Big boobs. Potentially awesome, but a wee bit scary. As opposed to, say, Beth Behrs. Yes, I made that comparison. Small boobs, and yet she's also hot. Partly because you don't tend to stare at other things when she's around. Also, not straightforward.

That is perhaps the most misogynistic thing I've ever said, or in this case, suggested. Big boobs imply someone who's, literally, very straightforward. Not everybody wants a woman on top. Most of us want someone to boss around. Most of us want a meek, gentle, mild woman.

Why am I writing this blog entry?

Because I did it before. Again, the bigger the boobs, the sexier the girl. Only right now, I'm not attempting to be Abed-like academic about it, and I'm humiliating myself even further.

Do we like stuff that naturally pop out? Does that explain our fascination with our own penises, but not that of others'? What explains that? Because it looks unhealthy?

Why do we prefer it bigger? Because it looks fuller, and it somehow eases the pain of our low self-esteem? (I would've said this to redeem myself, but no, it absolutely does not.)

"They're boys. They're easily toyed with. I tell stories and have them eating out of my hand." Megan Fox right there.

"The boobs, no matter how large they are, eventually sag and shrivel up anyway, but the eyes, well..." Dexter Tan right there.

Megan has beautiful eyes, but sometimes I'm still scared by her. I don't get that vibe from Chelsea Meissner. There goes the reference, person whose name I still won't drag into this.

I am still not suggesting Megan Fox had a boob job. If she has, though, then fine.

Katy Perry has very expressive eyes.

I am being a hypocrite.

And your responses...

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