7/24/2012
Not needed

The crux of the argument, as it turns out, is that I just want to be needed emotionally.

Need to be needed emotionally. But that's just me playing with words.

I realize this after another one of those situations when a friend, a supposed friend, won't tell me what exactly is going on. That, after I did just that. So much for all the things we've been through together. Wala ba kaming pinagsamahan? Nagtatanong na nga lang, ako pa ang hindi sasagutin? Ako lang ang hindi sasagutin?

Or maybe I'm just having a bad day, another one of those days, that lately have been happening far too often. You know, those days when it occurs to you that nothing is what it seems.

I eventually forget about them because you do notice me and I talk to you and we have a good time and, right after that, it's as if nothing ever happened.

I just want to be needed emotionally.

Is it wrong that I need all of you the same way?

I feel awkward as it is, asking this question. Like those days, really, when I was head over heels for someone, and I didn't quite know what to do, and I'd come to you and pretty much vent for the next fifteen minutes and we'd talk about, I don't know, whatever comes up next.

But when it's you who has issues - and I sense them, because I do, that's what I'm supposed to do - I don't quite know if I should move forward because you'll probably scoff while feigning appreciation for my interest. It's not just me thinking that; it's happened far too many times before. "What's the problem?" "Oh, nothing." So I go, and you go, off to someone else, someone you invariably trust more.

I let you all in, and you're actually all, I don't want to be here! and you never show it. And you will never let me in, deep in.

I have kept my side of the deal, but you never keep yours.

Apparently all I am to you is, I don't know, the guy who helps you out when you have InDesign problems. Or the guy who can give you numbers when you need a boost. Or the guy who can make you laugh because he just has all these crazy ideas. Which I do, all of them, because I have to keep up my side of the deal. Because I like it when I feel needed, when I know that you can turn to me for anything. Except, apparently, for the deep stuff.

I see all of you get really close with others because that bond is much stronger. You tell each other things. Yes, I've tried doing that, but I always get rebuffed. "Let's not talk about it, okay?" I'm just, I don't know, I'm probably jut a prostitute, but without the sex or something.

"Ang emo mo naman. Lighten up!"

And your responses...

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