8/01/2012
Emotional eating

Pretty much right after the last time Clarence and I talked, my colleagues have noticed that I am slowly changing.

"Lumalaki na tiyan mo," they'd say.

I will admit. I did get fat.

Not that I'm allergic to getting fat, but the thought of me undoing all the walking I did last year scared me a bit. Also, it's not fun wearing your long-sleeved shirts and noticing that you can't roll up your sleeves like you used to. Oh, and also, your tummy pops out more, especially if you tuck your shirt in.

So I, more or less, went on a diet. Most lunchtimes I now just order one cup of rice. Unfortunately that also meant cutting down on one viand - that vegetable thing I wanted to maintain - because having little rice and lots of protein feels quite off. And I try my best not to eat in between meals. That means breakfast at around five, lunch at around eleven, and dinner at around eight - nothing more. Well, except for when there's a monthly sales meeting (which takes up to two hours and always involves snacks) or when someone's treating the whole office.

I thought I could maintain it. I really did. But thanks to admittedly exaggerated yet actually big life moments, I find myself eating a lot. Again.

It's back to "normal" again. Breakfast doesn't fill me, so I pop down to the Ministop branch downstairs for a bite at nine. I don't like going down the building too many times, so I also buy a sachet of Milo (Milo everyday!) for later in the afternoon and, maybe, a chocolate bar.

But lately I've been buying, instead, either ten Munchkins or a single Dunkin' Donut.

Choco butternut. My elementary teacher's favorite. Hello, Miss Mia. The orange bits and the actual doughnut and the orange bits. Ahhh.

So one piece of that, just to bring me back to my childhood. I've been having that often. Why I need to go back to my childhood that often, I do not know.

Earlier today I realized that I'm eating sugary treats again, this time not to stay awake - I know it doesn't always work - but to, I don't know, feel happy? I tell myself I'm doing fine, but it's been terrible, really. Must be the weather. When I'm idle, and more so when it's dark outside, I transform into this moody monster. I just had to go on Google. I typed in "sugar emotions". The first page I got scared me a bit. High blood sugar means more insulin to store the glucose in your blood stream, which means you feeling weak and confused - a sugar crash, in other words. Your thoughts get wonky and you feel terrible.

"Diabetics" - this doesn't quite apply to me, but I'm afraid it soon will - "are more prone to bouts of depression ... as repeated exposure to high blood glucose diminishes their responsiveness to insulin." In other words, I'm killing myself both physically and emotionally. I told you. Admittedly exaggerated yet actually big life moments.

A choco butternut doughnut, apparently, has 280 calories, 13 grams of fat (six of which are saturated), 37 grams of carbohydrates and 17 grams of sugar. I don't know if that applies to our version of the doughnut, what with different ingredients and sizes. But to hell with numbers. I have to be happy. And if it takes six donuts shared with someone, preferably someone I really like, to make me happy, then so be it.

And your responses...

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