8/10/2012
This is all I ever wanted from life

I honestly thought I won't be able to make the venue on time. I was happy the rains stopped pouring. I wasn't happy that I got held up at school. Some extra requirement for literature class.

But I got to the Araneta Coliseum just in time. A little before eight. Also helped that my seat is reserved. Too bad my friends aren't able to go. Carrie and Dawn were also held up at school - why they decided to sleep the class suspensions away, cram their project and waste money on concert tickets they won't use, I'll never know - while Estelle just did not want to go. "But I don't like Snow Patrol," she said, scoffing a bit.

I took the stairs and found my way to Upper Box A. I know I got good seats, but I didn't realize I got really good seats. Front row. I'm still far from the band, but it's better than nothing.

I was a bit dismayed when I found out that there's a guy seated beside me. He's probably a little older than me, but not that old. He looked like he couldn't contain himself. A little fidgety, although I guess he's been here way ahead of me. Like, an hour or something. He certainly seemed bored.

I'm seated beside a guy I don't know, and my friends aren't with me. I find myself hoping that he's not alone, that he has a girlfriend, that she's just in the toilets freshening up, that she's just taking a while because the people around me are screaming, and the members of the band have come out on stage, and the first notes of "Hands Open" has begun.

With my hands open / And my eyes open / I just keep hoping / That your heart opens

I only really fell in love with Snow Patrol after hearing "Chasing Cars". Like everybody else, really. That scene in that episode of Grey's Anatomy, where Izzie learns that Denny has died, and she's quite inconsolable, and she goes to his body and clings to it and just lets go? That's my high school life right there.

So I started digging through their other songs. Well, not all of them. I could only grab a few through Limewire. "Run" is another song that I like a lot. It's just very hopeful. The crowd certainly felt it, like the whole place went dark and everybody had candles in their hands or something.

Light up, light up / As if you have a choice / Even if you cannot hear my voice / I'll be right beside you, dear

I wanted to sing along to this so bad when the band got to it, but the guy beside me was singing along already, and it felt very awkward. Then I realized that nobody's still beside him. He came here alone. I was wrong. He actually doesn't have a girlfriend. It's a shame, really, because I thought he's cute. Reasonably cute, or something. Maybe people actually think I'm his girlfriend. But why would people think that? We should've come here together. We should've been talking. Smooching, even. Well, that's what everybody else around me do. That's what I always see at the Ateneo.

"Ikaw, kailan ka magkaka-boyfriend?" Carrie and Dawn would ask me, over and over again, in between breaks and during study periods and whenever we take the bus home to Makati together. I'd always tell them that I'm still waiting for the right guy. They'd always tell me that I've been waiting for far too long. I won't find anybody if I keep at it, they say.

Well, it is hard to find someone, I tell them. I always tell them that. Nobody will live up to my crush. That Damon guy from The Vampire Diaries? He's really hot. And he's so regal when it comes to Elena. He's just so passionate. You'd never know that at the beginning, when he's brooding and mysterious.

"Chasing Cars" came on. I love that song, of course, but I don't know if he'd sing along to it. I want to sing it. It's my spill-everything-on-the-floor moment.

If I lay here / If I just lay here / Would you lie with me / And just forget the world?

He was quiet. I felt awkward singing anyway.

I looked at him for a moment and I realized he's really feeling the song, like he's remembering a moment himself. I don't know what people his age have gone through. Maybe he fell in love and didn't get anything in return? Just the same, then.

I really should listen to Snow Patrol's new album. I've downloaded it but somehow I've never listened to it. You know, school. The Vampire Diaries episodes. I can't sing along to any of the songs that followed, although that song that goes this is your life sounds familiar. I cannot guess-sing it. And then they returned to  Eyes Open territory. "Open Your Eyes", I know. "You're All I Have", I know even more.

It's all clear now that you are all that I have / I have no fear 'cause you are all that I have

I love the song. Again, it's hopeful. And fun. And happy. I always lose myself to this song, playing it over and over again, and before I know it, I was this close to grabbing his hand, looking at him and singing the song's chorus.

It's all clear now that you are all that I have / I have no fear 'cause you are all that I have

And then I realize that I was this close to grabbing his hand. As in, my fingers are both curled and stretched open at the same time.

Give me a chance to hold on / Give me a chance to hold on / Give me a chance to hold on / Just give me something to hold on to

I wanted him to look at me. I wanted him to say hi. Actually, I wanted him to sing those words to me too, but I don't want to look needy. Nobody wants a clingy girlfriend. I wanted him to ask for my phone number. I wanted him to do something. Come on, sweep me off my feet. If any guy out there wants me to be his girlfriend, then now - to the closing bars of "You're All I Have" - now is the best moment. I am totally letting my guard down here.

And then I put it back up.

Gary Lightbody was saying goodnight. I can tell from the big screen that he looked visibly relieved. This concert almost didn't happen after all. The band left the stage, definitely taking a breather before the encore, and I just stood there, hoping that there is something. There was an encore, but I do not know the next song they performed.

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