12/03/2013
An apology to Josh Hutcherson

I'm sorry for whatever I will say about you in the next few paragraphs. It's not you, although perhaps it is just my dislike for the weepy, needy Peeta you portrayed in the Hunger Games trilogy. I mean, maybe that's really how he is in the books - although I have friends who've read them who will tell me that it isn't - but, well, you know. I'm sure you're a nice guy who does the best with what he's given.

That said, Josh, I really don't like you at the moment.

That's the key phrase. At the moment. You see, you're now the guy of the moment. You're now every girl's ideal guy. Anyone who's seen you in the films - and yes, before you react, yes, I have seen the films, partly because I have to, and no, I have not resisted watching the films because it's based on what is essentially a young adult book wrapped around some dystopia, a description that, I admit, is best suited for the first book - anyway, anyone who's seen you in the films is suddenly in love with you.

Or maybe in love with the character you portray. Weepy, needy, limpy Peeta. The guy who only wanted to gain Katniss' eye, the guy who otherwise can't really do anything to save himself, the guy who's perfectly happy to play this elaborate game of smoke and mirrors for the sake of fantasy fulfillment. I mean, I myself will wet my pants if given the chance. Holy shit, I am kissing Jennifer Lawrence. I get you, brother. Well, the character, not the actor, not you, but anyway, I digress.

But since you play weepy, needy, limpy Peeta, you're suddenly every girl's perfect boyfriend. Well, maybe not everyone. I don't know about the mothers. I don't know about girls who are in a relationship. I'm pretty sure those who don't care about the Hunger Games don't see you as one. But, as least from where I am, every girl wants you to be her boyfriend.

I acknowledge that, yes, it's not your fault. It's not your fault you're put in this position. They all just want Peeta, and you happen to play Peeta. It's not as if you constantly play up to the camera to inspire fawngirl-y reactions, right? And besides, you're not the only person who's had to deal with this. Tom Hiddleston was the perfect boyfriend (or husband, it depends) just weeks ago. Matt Bomer was. Chris Hemsworth was. (Chris, not Liam.) Joseph Gordon-Levitt was. (Or is?) Robert Pattinson was. You get the point, right?

Again, it's not your fault. In fact, it's completely mine. I always never liked this phenomenon. I scoffed when people started lifting Tom up when the second Thor movie screened in theaters. Like, every thing he says in interviews is automatically cute. Every pose he makes automatically causes panties to drop. There are GIFs, color-processed GIFs, high-contrast GIFs, saturated GIFs, excessively-blurred GIFs, it just gets too much, you know?

But I don't know. Maybe it's just me and my failure to see what makes them perfect boyfriend material. I mean, all they do is play a role. That doesn't automatically transfer to their private lives, or whatever's left of it. Maybe it's my inherently low self-esteem. Maybe it's my tendency to overanalyze. Holy shit, I am doing this wrong. I am doing this wrong, too. Why the hell am I still in a relationship? Definitely it's my tendency to resent, semi-resent, whatever, let's just say it, it's my tendency to resent anyone who gets propped up as an ideal with little to no justification at all.

Oh, no, Josh, I am not jealous of you. Even if you get to kiss Jennifer Lawrence, no, I am not jealous of you, although I know of some people who probably are. But anyway.

I don't like you, Josh. And it's a surprise I'm still writing to you. But I don't like you. I don't like the way you're so perfect, and I don't like the way I feel terrible about myself because of it. And maybe I shouldn't, because ultimately it doesn't matter, because I am in a relationship, and she loves me, and I love her, and I don't have to worry about these things anymore, but damn it. Why?

But this will pass. In a few months' time someone else will be in a big Hollywood blockbuster and all of the fawngirls will move on and the cycle repeats again. And I'll not care about you, maybe until the first Mockingjay movie, where you'll be weepy, needy, limpy, shitty Peeta all over again.

Wait. Every girl's ideal boyfriend, at this moment, is weepy, needy, limpy, shitty Peeta?

I don't remember who said this, but this hypothesis did make sense when I saw it. Peeta is the femininity to Katniss' masculinity. She hunts while he feels. She sets traps while he sets... yeast on bread? And you have to take care of yeast or else it will go awry and your bread will, too? I'm forcing this. But my point is, Peeta is a sensitive guy. He has feelings. Sure, he may be wearing his heart on his sleeve far too often, but he has feelings, and he's not afraid to show it, and girls like that. Girls like a guy who's open and accessible. And charming and cute and blah, blah, blah. So, Josh, err, Peeta, Peeta is the perfect boyfriend, and I, and every other man in this non-fictional planet, have to live up to his standards, if not exceed them.

Maybe it's just because I'm not much of a fiction reader, but when I like a female character, I don't have the need to pit her against every woman that I actually know. And, yes, when the big screen adaptation happens and said character is played by a hottie... well... that says a lot about how all of us men have a little bit of Carlos Danger in us, huh? Boys want hump. Girls want feels. Who do I apologize to next?

And your responses...

Post a Comment