4/18/2014
Jennifer Lawrence is my god

Jennifer Lawrence is my god.

I don't know why I didn't see it earlier. Maybe it's because my mind was shut. I blindly believed in all of their gods and all of their beliefs; all of the rituals, especially on a Sunday; all of the lessons in school that they could not prove.

But then again, I was young, and I easily believed what I was told. But now I'm older. I can think for myself. Or at least I think I can think for myself. And I have seen things, and I have put two and two together, and now I can definitely say that, yes, this is what I believe. And I believe that Jennifer Lawrence is my god.

Jennifer Lawrence is the gold standard. She is the most perfect being in existence. Everything she does, we should emulate. Everything she says, we should follow. Everything she believes, we should believe.

Whenever she speaks, everybody listens. Or at least that's what I think when I go on Tumblr and all I see on my dash are GIFs of her interviews with some inspiration psalms. "Teenagers only have to focus on themselves," she once said. "It's not until we get older that we realize that other people exist." And indeed, she is right! Hallelujah! Why do I have to care about all of you? Right now, I'm the only one that matters. Praise thee, Jennifer Lawrence!

Whenever she comes out on the red carpet, everybody takes note. Have you noticed how beautiful she is? You are blind to not see that. Jennifer Lawrence is the most perfect being in existence. Her body is formed the way whoever sculpted the Venus de Milo did it. Her curves are exquisite. Her face is divine. Her lips - I'm a girl, and I want to kiss them all night long. Softly. Slowly. Sure, she said her breasts are uneven, but I do not care. Jennifer Lawrence is the most perfect being in existence.

And she sure knows how to dress. She knows what to keep tucked in and she knows what to flaunt - but, personally, I want her to flaunt everything, because she is perfect. Nothing could be more divine than that.

Sure, you will say that Jennifer is not perfect. How many times, you might argue, did she trip on the red carpet, and fall on her knees? If she is such a klutz, then she must not be a god? But you are wrong. Indeed, you are wrong! That is exactly what makes her perfect. She reminds us that we mere mortals can make mistakes too, that it is in our very nature.

"I look like Gumby getting electrocuted!" she once said. She understands my plight. I always look awkward - when I walk, when I sit down, when I stand up, when I stand around. And she understands me. And she tells me that it's okay to be like that. Look at her! She falls down and she brushes it off, and makes one of her crazy faces, and she's still a god. God, I want to be like her someday. Or, at least, I want to be with her. I want to bask in her divine perfection. I will not be perfect like her, I know. But I will bask in her divine perfection.

Jennifer Lawrence is the gold standard. Not ChloĆ« Grace Moretz, because she seems too smart. Not Shailene Woodley, because she seems too boring. Not Katy Perry, not Shay Mitchell, not that Penny girl on How I Met Your Mother. Jennifer Lawrence is the gold standard, and we should not accept anybody lesser.

Jennifer Lawrence is my god, and she should be yours, too. I can show you one of these days. I can tour you in my shrine to her eternal greatness. You've been to my bedroom, right? That cabinet I don't want you to open? Yeah, that one. You can help me make the breasts in my plaster bust of her more uneven, but still jiggly.

And your responses...

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