3/17/2016
Seventeen days of non-absolute silence

Once again I'm forcing myself to write something here. It's been seventeen days since the last time I wrote something - and that thing I wrote, I also forced out of myself.

Yep, looks like we're at that point.

I usually have a lot of things going on in my head. Now, not so. Arguably it's a good thing. But along with the dissipation (for now) of the self-loathing came the dissipation of all those concepts that would make for good essays. I guess I've been powering myself, for the past decade, with cynicism and frustration and all-too-frequent confusion that, when that got out of the way, I have nothing.

Yep, looks like we're at that point.

I'm not exactly sure what's going on. I have stopped watching all but one of my television shows; I haven't caught up since November. I just got busy, and then, I just forgot about all of them. I've been listening to K-pop more than usual. It started as a research project, but then I formulated a rationale. You don't feel judged when you listen to Korean pop, I said to myself - and yes, I know, I have judged people who listen to Korean pop before, and I know I am being judged for listening to Korean pop now. Jeany is Korean and she doesn't get the fuss either. I often tell her that, no, she hasn't lost me... but maybe she has.

Anyway, you dont feel judged when you listen to Korean pop, I said to myself, unlike when you listen to western music, or even local music. There's this need to keep up appearances when the songs are in English. I don't know if it's because Korean pop is mostly homogenous - lots of space for styles, but still homogenous - or if it's because I'm just the kind of guy who gets anxious about social acceptance more than the rest. And don't get me started on local music. Not yet. It's something I intend to write about soon.

I've been spending a lot of weekends with Shalla. We don't go out as often now; she just goes to my home, sleeps the afternoon away, and we'd talk and do stuff (like, well, attempt a fried rice recipe that turned out to be a hit at home). Successive weekends. There's definitely a change in routine happening. It's not just the new (more or less) job I have. It's been the case way before those events fell into place.

This is the change I'm supposed to be resisting.

Then again, it's not as if I have the option to resist it. Well, I could, but, arguably, I've gotten tired. I feel more tired lately. I still do. I still feel drained. Sometimes I'd do things I don't usually do, and I'd push towards it. Go to some place on a Friday night, for one. Finally met Camille after a year of conversations online. That counts as something, right?

It's been seventeen days since I last wrote something. Or at least, seventeen days since I last wrote something here. I've still been writing on the music blog, another venue for my frustrations, more or less. So, I haven't been quite for a while. But I'm afraid I am running out of stories to tell, running out of things to complain about.

And your responses...

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