2/22/2017
I do not have the right to my own sadness

There will be days when I will just dwell on the things I don't have.

Apparently I should not be doing this.

Apparently I should not focus on the things I don't have. Apparently I should instead be appreciative of the things that I do have. Apparently I should realize that I still have it better than others.

Which, well, yeah, but, no.

It's good, I guess, that nobody tells me to be happy anymore. I guess they got tired of dealing with somebody as difficult as I am. Nobody will have the patience, after all, not at this time when we're supposed to be competitive and ruthless and just going for the highest place we can get to. No failures, no accidents, no setbacks, no nothing - just up, up, up.

It's good, because I can, well, plod along. At my own pace. Nobody will be up in my face insisting that I get over my feelings, that I should not dwell on the troubles of the past, that it's all over now. Or, that I should get help. Get a therapist, for heaven's sakes. Just... do something about it.

So, there will be days when I will just dwell on the things I don't have.

They're not necessarily material things, although I am now at the point when I feel I have stagnated, that I really have nowhere to go, and I am filled with regret for not being as ruthless as everybody else. I imagine people feigning regret that I have not realized my full potential, that I could have been so much better - they can't pretend I am doing well, for I am not doing well.

Well, there you go. The things I don't have. I don't have certainty. I don't have peace of mind. And I try to plod on, and while people are not doing it explicitly, they're still suggesting the same things. I do not have the right to my own sadness. There are people doing worse than you, for one. And you, really, it's your fault you're where you are.

Fine. Most days I feel content. I'm doing things I like, and get some money while I'm at it. I take on some pretty big challenges, and I manage to change the world, for lack of a better term. But then there will be some days when I realize that, unlike everybody else, my life is stuck where it is. I may have hit my ceiling, and I have nowhere else to go but down.

Stop dwelling on it and get to work, they say, but don't say.

Stop being so paranoid, they actually say, and get to work.

It's your fault, all of this, they don't say. It's all your fault. You do not have the right to be sad about something of your own doing.

And your responses...

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