7/31/2018
Don't you feel guilty?

Yes, I have been writing more on a notebook, with the view of eventually transferring those essays to the blog for the world to see. Yet, here I am again, filling space.

I have two essays on that notebook waiting to be published. They're not spectacularly insightful ones by any means. They probably will mean nothing when you read it - not for the lessons nor for the aesthetic. Whatever, I'll still publish them - but not now. Not yet.

That makes this scenario - of me filling space to, once again, hit a quota that nobody really should be honoring - all the weirder. I could just be transferring one of those essays here, but instead, I am starting one from scratch. Too many thoughts going inside my head? Thoughts that need releasing, thoughts that will definitely be dismissed because, again, who needs them? Why can't I just shut up?

I don't know, but then, I don't apologize.

One of those thoughts is about suicide again - okay, stop it, no, I'm not in that place again, and why do you suddenly care when I'm in that place again? Why didn't you before? Well, yeah, I know it's difficult to do so, but to suddenly care now when you don't give a shit then just is disingenuous.

I've seen a lot of those posts online the past few weeks, those posts that tell whoever happens to be looking that, hey, suicide shouldn't be an option, because living is better any way you put it, right? I haven't learned to tune them out. I also haven't learned to, for the most part, downvote those posts because they are inherently ridiculous. Nobody cares about what I think, and I don't want to get into another losing argument.

But I am stupid, so here's one of those stupid arguments.

Lately those posts have taken a different tactic: guilt. Committing suicide does not end the pain. It just passes it on to others. Essentially, don't kill yourself because we'll then have to deal with your problems once you do.

So... you're telling someone who's potentially at the very edge, who's so desperate to have some comfort that he's willing to forego everything and just take the plunge, you're telling them to suddenly think of you? You, who otherwise would not give a damn about him, who saw him crying out for help on social media and went "I don't need all this negativity in my life"?

Okay, okay, yes, it's not that easy to come forward and offer that rhetorical shoulder to cry on. I get that. But it's just rich to tell someone to not end it all and, instead, think of everybody else, when he's likely going to do so because he can't find any tangible proof that somebody, anybody, does care. It's rich that we can be so selfish to not even care a little bit about what someone feels, that instead we connect that to how we feel. Don't you feel guilty that you'll make them feel bad when you rid yourself of all that's making you feel bad, once and for all?

But again, nobody cares about what I think, and even if I am stupid, I don't feel like getting into another losing argument, from someone so butthurt she'll be compelled to talk to me, from out of the blue, just to argue that she does care.

And your responses...

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