7/11/2018
It must be you

Yes, not everything happens the way they do on television. There is no grand moment towards the end of the story arc where everybody comes together and unknowingly rallies for the same cause. People from near and far coming together to bring the show home, to push the ending towards happy territory for one last time, tie this plot nicely into a bow? That never happens. We all know that.

And yet, well, wouldn't it be nice if that happens?

Wouldn't it be nice if, in your lowest point, and just when you're feeling at your worst, people see and start rallying to your cause? Everybody you've met at some point - and, ideally, have forged relatively strong bonds with - recognizes you're at your lowest point, comes to you, and does every little bit, or any little bit, to pull you back.

Yeah, we know that never happens. That only happens on television.

But then, you do see it happen. As much as you hate to admit it, you get jealous. It happens. It happens to them. Why can't it happen to you? How come nobody comes to you even if you scream and plead and cry, so loud and so publicly? Why do they only tell you to shut up, to suck it up?

They always told you that you're the one who has to adjust, that people will not have the patience to understand you and get to know you, that you have to be the one to change to be able to make friends, to forge relatively (and beyond) strong bonds, to have someone you can turn to when you really need it. Otherwise, they always told you, you will be forever alone, forever lonely, as if loneliness is always a curse.

It never sat well with you, how it always has to be you and never the other way around, and not even a compromise, but you do it anyway. For the most part, you think it works. There are people you talk to, people you talk to constantly, people you confide your worst fears and deepest desires to. But now, when you're feeling your worst, where are they? Why is there no grand moment where all the people you know notice you're not at your best, and try to cheer you on? Was all of that for nothing?

Maybe they're right. There must be a problem with you. Or, there must be something eternally irredeemable with you that, no matter what you do, nobody will make an effort to be there when you really need them. All that talk about "talk to me if you have a problem" was just a lie, then, a way to absolve themselves of guilt whenever something does happen to you, because the blame will go to them first for doing nothing. But sooner or later they'll deflect it, and it'll stick to you, and it'll all be your fault. It must be you.

And your responses...

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