1/23/2019
So it's happened

So it's happened. I have something in my head and I've refused to write it for two weeks now, and instead I'm writing another one of those entries that mean nothing and say nothing.

So it's happened again.

Who do I blame? Well, I have actually written about this, and almost two years later, the same things still apply. I spend my resting hours on the same laptop, but filling it with things that aren't decidedly important in the grand scheme of things - like, I don't know, entertaining myself. Entertaining myself until I realize it's almost eleven o'clock and I really should be sleeping. No. I should not entertain myself; instead I should feed my ego and write.

Does that still work, though? I really think the clearer realization that nobody is reading - I have not made any efforts to be compelling, or, well, I'm just not compelling as a human - has made me think I really should do other things. The problem is, I love writing. I loved writing. It used to allow me to say the things I have difficulty saying out loud, meaning with my mouth, with my actual voice, in the scientific sense. Maybe I did push myself to the point that all this has become a chore.

So, I watch videos, the same ones over and over, and I laugh, and I get a satisfaction of sorts. And then I repeat, until I fall asleep. And then I wake up the next day ready to write, among other things, but not to feed my ego. More of to ensure I continue to survive.

Maybe my head's shifted to "more important things" like planning for the future. But saying that makes me sounds like I was this idealistic person. I quickly quit the idea of writing for a living. Also, it's not like I haven't been saving, or planning. But I think I smell the need to catch up with everybody else who seem to be more accomplished now, because they spent less time feeding my ego and more time feeding their bellies. (That, and the stuff I wrote at my peak are really long.) And slowly, it will reach the point when verifiably nobody reads this, and I will really have to consider stopping all this. And give up the domain, even.

So it's happened again.

And your responses...

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