10/13/2005
One last opportunity to apologize

There, I said it. I was lying all throughout. But if I tell you that it was all impulse - me saying that - you would probably hit me in the back, right?

Yeah, that was all impulse. But that isn't entirely the point.

So I still wasn't comfortable with everyone. Maybe it's just now that I really kept the fact that I was hurting again, feeling all left out and banged out; I tried to not show it to you to make me feel better, but turns out it didn't. I got more insecure one bit at a time - and, although it was all wrong, I got, well, plastic.

So maybe I misunderstood the question. But, still, maybe I am trying hard to not show to you how much I hate the fact that I feel alone and abandoned again, and (as I said earlier) this blog has been full of them lies just to tell you that I am okay. Obviously I'm not.

So, I was attributing to you these things? Mistake number two. It is just now that I realized that it was half mine and half yours. (wait - I've got the thing.) All along, maybe, I wanted people to tell me stuff; you, well, didn't. I was almost okay - until this.

I got myself misunderstood again - and this time it had the biggest consequences.

If there's one thing I tried hard to say today, it's me thanking you - for making me realize I wasn't being myself all along. I've been keeping separate identities ever since I entered college, and just when I gained your trust I blow this thing? I did. So starting now, probably, magpapalastikan lang tayo lahat. I've got nothing to do - it's my fault anyway.

I'm making enemies right now, right? Maybe Saliksik wasn't as fun as I expected it to be. I left with a happy feeling - since it seemed it turned out to be all right - but right now I'm battered with guilt for impulsively saying yes, for impulsively saying the block isn't as okay as it initially seemed, for ruining everything...

I concede, then. It was all okay, and then, I blew it. I'm back to square one all over again.

Thank you very much. You can leave the blog now.

And your responses...

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