A safe trip home, but a dreaded trip back

Yesterday, after I launched the statement that made me (I think) another block hate figure like Jom, I decided not to update this blog for a while. But, right now, I decided to do just that, since I realized there's a lot more things to talk about rather than I sulk in the thought that everyone's been, to paraphrase Les, undone. Although, I warn you, that it's going to hurt a lot more since I decided to not hold back and simply lash out, if you're reading this - and that's amazing, for I thought when I said this thing is full of lies I lost every reader I had - welcome back, and I promise I'll try my best not to.

I didn't think what I did yesterday was a stupid mistake, although I was surprised I did say yes. I just, well, got fed up with my placement in the block. Everyone's been thanking me during the past weeks, yes, but somehow I couldn't refuse. When you feel you're being taken advantage of, you don't just say it, right? That's my point. Somehow, my problem with words got in the way.

So, again, I've made enemies from at least, I think, one-thirds of the block. The "love notes" I received as Saliksik ended, otherwise, proved puzzling and even misleading. Suddenly I don't know how they feel.
Peace! I was hurt but you know, I'm still your friend. Love you!
Lam ko something's bothering you... Pero I hope na sana kung ano man yun, maayos na... I understand you Niko... Pero siyempre you can't please everyone... Kelangan mo rin maging sensitive sa sinasabi ng iba! Sana OK na to... Thanks for being a server! Thanks for the reminders!
I just want to say that somehow I got offended when you said na nakikipagplastikan ka lang... And, never ako nakipagplastikan sa'yo. Somehow, I know how you feel... I know you're hurting... but you can only find peace within you...
We may not be close, but I can promise you that I'm here if you need me... if you need a friend.
Again! You're not plastic!
Perhaps you are right, that our block is messed up ever since the start. But, as the old saying goes, things won't start unless someone starts it. Thanks for standing up and saying what you said about the block. Maybe somehow we'll all think about our prejudices against one another and set them aside. Peace.

Admittedly, though, two of those notes stood out.
Hey Niko! I'm sorry you feel that way about the block. I just wanted to say na I trusted you like uber... Sincere ako sa'yo pag nagchachat tayo o nag-uusap. Sorry na minsan naiinis ako sa'yo... Thanks na rin sa lahat ng gawa mo para sa block!
Dear Niko,
It was difficult to bare yourself out to your classmates opening youself up to possible rejection, but you did and it was courageous of you.
Miss Jeane
As with every other time I'm confronted with these stuff, I'm confused. I had a chat with Les - possibly the last in the next few months - and I think she was telling me that I deceived the whole block, and nothing could ever be done about it. I went home full of guilt, but as I rode the bus I thought: Kevin was right! I wasn't! I banged my head instantly. I immediately texted Clarence and Steph; turns out they didn't have any credit to text me back. As with everything else, I slept with a burning sensation.

Back in school, I was reading the blogs, and wondered if the forces up there are trying their best to make me guilty and ruin my day.
on 13 October from Huey's blog:
My dear blockmates pointed out somethings why we lost to this game. I agree with some of them and some, God knows why... It has been a very emotional day for each and everyone from LR-19 but nevertheless a fruitful learning experience for the each and everyone of us. We learned that we are not what we seem to be. That it is useless to hide yourself and that it bullshit to judge others. I shared with my block some of my famous words and one of them was "Why fit in when you stand out?". It seems that some people in our block were "drifters" as D said and they don't belong to any particular group and some are having a hard time trying to get an identity for themselves. As Mr. Ricardo Fajardo said, "It's all about individuality. Kung normal ang lahat eh di abnormal yun. Imagine yourself in a train being surrounded by people that looks exactly the same as you." He really made sense. Words were bouncing inside my head. What is normal? What are the grounds for normality?
on 13 October, from Jill's blog:
this day could be summed up in three words: Drama. Drama. Drama.
Nga pala, I liked Dhi a while ago kasi inamin nya na insensitive sya. At narealize nya na nakakaramdam pala sya. Bakit ako hindi pa?
I do believe in destiny, Huey. I wonder if this is what's supposed to happen?

I went to school and was trying to fade away, really badly. I pusily studied for the second half of our International Studies quiz, oblivious to the entry of everybody else. It seemed I didn't want to talk to anyone. I felt nobody would, unless they're extremely unaffected. I waved at Les later on: she, well, didn't respond. There it went, I thought. The first stiff responses.

Steph was pretty quick to reassure me. "I've got nothing against you," she said. "It's just that, na-shock lang kami nang sinabi mo yun." Still, I can't feel any better, despite Professor Hernandez making weird stories and connections between Derek and Ariane. Come Rizal class, I got a seventy and a fifty - and an even more battered self.

I don't know what I just did.

So, as of the first day of my self-destruction to hell, this is my assessment: Les, zilch. Tracy, a little bit zilch. Kizia? It doesn't matter what I feel, but zilch still - almost everyone has turned against me. Even Sudoy, who assured me it's all okay (despite telling me that he didn't do that to me), isn't answering my YM messages right now.

I also thought: would that mean that everything I've said in the past that I really meant go nowhere again? Like, that post? Suddenly, just as I begin to feel okay about a few people, it all goes into jeopardy again.

So, right now, even if I'm talking much lesser to fewer people than before - I can't help but think I ruined it for the next four years - I try my best to get through it. My horoscope said that I'm just confused, and I'll get through it - I wish it does come true. Right now, however, I'm crying to pieces.

What's wrong with speaking out? And, why do I have to endure something I didn't mean to do? My stupid mouth has failed me one more time - and this time it wouldn't relent.

Just when I realized the depth of my stupid mistake, since I realized it isn't true, and my views are distorted again, no one seems to hear anymore.

Is anyone still there?

And your responses...

hi, pa-epal huh. ang abnormal eepal muna.

wala lang, though di ako mashado makarelate sa post coz apparently it's within your block (and i'm not even near coz i ain't from la salle!) just wanna say that there's nothing wrong with expressing your thoughts, maybe it's the way you've expressed it or something.

or, the timing.

well, anyway all i wanna say is that there's absolutely nothing wrong with it(pinahaba pa ung post eh no?)

and, it's also the main purpose of having a blog diba, expressing your thoughts freely when you think you just can't around anybody.

cheer up.

Blogger Katia10/15/2005     

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