Ready for your tears

Here it is. The block's last regular week. If I've counted correctly we've got only around seven school days together, including the final examinations and the course card distribution. It doesn't seem as surreal as last time, but realizing today that we're back to working around with our last classes somehow made me cringe.

Yesterday I was going around the block and read that Ale cried over Huey's thank-you post. I suddenly thought, hanggang ngayon hindi pa ako natatamaan. Was it because we've worried about it too early? I already read that post, and even placed a comment on it, but somehow I still wonder why I still am not affected badly by it. I mean, I somehow started the whole fuss a few weeks ago, but yet I haven't found the time to worry about it. Feeling ko tuloy bato ako.

I went to school two hours earlier today, since I agreed with Caresse that I'll help her (and, consequently, help myself) construct sentences and thought for our take-home Philosophy essay examination. Before that, I was rushing Loui and Joy for the oral defense, but despite that I feel I haven't done much. Come International Studies class we watched, instead of a documentary on the World Bank, Tom Hank's film Philadelphia, since last Thursday was World AIDS Day. Sir Marasigan somehow decided to give a little tribute to those affected by the disease. Then, come Algebra class (without Miss Hernandez, but with a substitute teacher I still haven't identified since Friday), my two partners did their job. Now I feel I didn't do much except for the drawing and the organization, but still Loui gave me some credit.

Come History 1 class, my group pulled off the biggest flattery. Well, not really, but Huey's brightspark gave me something to think about.

Then came PE class. The final volleyball games, with the same old results: obviously, we lost. But what makes the feelings nonsensical was we were this close to Group 3 (the self-claimed "dominators"). The score was at 21-25. Even more surprisingly, people thought that was our best game. I, for one, bounced back a few serves with the unusual (and unintended) ballerina flair. Derek was cheering for us, and after we announce the loss he came to me in amazement. We lost the battle-for-third game more humiliatingly, however, but we were tired back then. Still, still, they still dominated, but not that much.

Maybe the end of PE class was the clincher of the day. It was, as you possibly inferred, our last PE class. As some of us settle with taekwondo or swimming (heaven forbid), I got into my sentimental mood in a weird way. Well, aside from those thoughts silently taking me over - which I tried my hardest to prevent, and succesfully did with my volleyball performance - I began to be weirdly quiet deep inside. Not much thoughts, or they all got arrested.

I asked Clarence again. "Bakit kaya ako dikit ng dikit sa'yo?" I asked.

"Kasi mag-syota tayo," she answered, offering her hand for a high-five.

"Hindi, aside from that," I answered back. "Bakit kaya?"

"Kasi pareho tayong napapaisip sa mga sinasabi natin," offering another high-five. But I had something else in mind. Then it occured to me.

"Kasi sa'yo ko lang nasasabi lahat," I answered, and obliged to the high-five.

After shaking Sir Olarte's hand, silently thanking him for my suddenly improved abilities in doing weird, two-handed forward tosses, I put back my clothes and decided not to linger around. I put down my bag, double-checked my stuff (since I just left both my International Studies and Algebra book last Friday), and looked around for somebody to say goodbye to. In the middle of Jason's increasing rubbing in of the fact that they indeed dominated the game ("sa pagkakaalam ko lang, magaing kami" over and over again), and my stress over such things, I saw Kizia, and waved goodbye at her.

Then it occured to me: I'm going to get really affected. I might just fall down. After all of the negativity, I came to understand what I was given. Now that I'm going to lose it, I might as well give up. Well, not really give up, but still...

Ale herself said it in Huey's blog. "It's more than just a block," she said. "It's family."

I went down the elevator alone tonight, and then went straight here in deep contemplation. Tomorrow would be our last classes in Chemistry, Philosophy and English 2. I strongly feel it isn't going to be as dramatic as it couldn't necessarily be, but maybe, with all the stress we've entered, and all the success we've come out in, I think I'm going to take a long time to get used to it. It may be space for new friends, but see me silently sniffing. Naisip ko lang. Iiyak kaya ako?

Readjustment. Well, if I'm not going to see much of you, if not never, again, then maybe I lose my much-needed motivation. I now think it's beyond what I said earlier.

But, as I've always said, I refuse.

And your responses...

Argh. You make me wanna cry. I also read Ale's post. Promise lumuha ako. Parang I can feel the bond of your block-slash-family. I remember nung highschool, we were really trying hard to hold back the tears, tapos may isang umiyak, then a lot of us cried na. Hehe. :)

Blogger jeniperr12/06/2005     

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