Feelings in air quotes

I yelled at my computer, taking care not to let anybody hear it.

I yelled an expletive at my computer, for suddenly my Multiply message board is sending me reminders that I never wanted in the first place. Imagine a snap here - of course, get nothing for days and then get something from out of nowhere and you'll probably also react like me. Maybe, something like those families getting those house reconstructions, as long as it's anything that exaggerated.

Right now I can only hope that we're all busy. I think that our classes are a godsend; for some reason, despite actually stressing us with all the concepts, script revisions and exposed film developers, it's become quite an escape from all that has made my life as needlessly complicated as it is already.

Again I'm talking to Kim right now. To be quite honest, I went here stumped with an idea for an entry; all I can probably start off with is that I-yelled-at-my-computer story, which makes perfect material for this running joke I've been making in my head. And suddenly, I realize the number of reasons why stories like this have become quite common - imagine me snapping because of a long break followed by a small, unexpected surprise that I wouldn't take well. They're quite a lot, for starters.

Out of an unsubstantiated wanting to write something meaningful to satisfy you all, I search every nook and cranny for something to dig. True enough, I'll eventually find something, linger about it for a moment and then make nothing out of it that's unique as compared to others, and then I'll be back to the same situation as earlier, when I ask someone for an idea and eventually solve my own problem. But it'll trigger an effect that's all too familiar to me: one thought leads to another and eventually I'll get stumped. (And you must've noticed how much I've been using the word "eventually" lately.)

At this point I'd usually get really heavy inside and sulk. By now, though, the surprise remains: I'm still typing in paragraphs without having my heart rate increase tenfold, and I'm still getting distracted by all the chimes I've previously turned off, out of irritation. The only thing I'm feeling is a slight itchiness due to the cold, and that sensation I get when my finger makes contact with a character.

Liz made a comment, and I just noticed it. I can't help but think this is quite true: if you think about something too much, it takes on dimensions of importance it did not have before. And who knows whether these dimensions are actually made-up or actually real? I won't be quick to say anything - I'd rather walk around in circles by this time, heck, I'm busy with a script I can't get confirmed! But I won't go and be amazed all over again as to why I'm not having thoughts of buying gifts and getting weird over two weeks that would all boil down to a show of hands held tightly. I won't go all amazed at how actual sightings end up with me looking away and not getting an impulse to go back. And yes, that's how crazy I can get, and I even laugh at the thought, but sometimes get surprised and realize that I'm like everybody else, even crazier, I guess. I won't be sure. I can't be sure. I won't try to be either.

And so, I yelled at my computer. But now I'm apologizing at it for it isn't exactly its fault why I got the untimely reminders in the first place. In fact, we're working together again, or else it might rebel and show me images I refuse to look at. Or I can unplug it - but then again, trying my best to sound different, I obviously realized I'm lost again in my own thoughts. I think that's better than going sentimental and all.

I still haven't found for myself a hard reason to say that it's gone for the worse. Heck, I linger around and sometimes shrug it off.

I can't be too sure, though. If you dig deeply, and do your analysis, you'll figure it all out. And suddenly I don't bother with keeping it - but, ironically, I won't tell you either. Complicated, indeed - Kim is very much correct when she said I gotta learn to relax. Then again, whose fault is it anyway?

And your responses...

Nicely designed blog.

Blogger Teresa2/03/2007     

since i'm crazy and i gay, ii suggest you download the Scissor Sister's Filthy Gorgeous, and dance all this negative vibes off your system. no one EVER has to know. ;p

Blogger Ferretti shoes2/05/2007     

sorry for th wrong grammar and the mispellings.it just that its 2.22 am and im slightly drunk with night.

Blogger Ferretti shoes2/05/2007     

why do i sound like a total loser at this point of my life? and i hate word verification boxes! they make me think and focus!!!!

Blogger Ferretti shoes2/05/2007     

Post a Comment