For you and your positivity

Uploading this - a scene off the Manila Times newsroom trip - was a struggle. Our Internet connection is still the suckiest in the world, and the worse thing is, I don't think anyone's trying to fix it.

Now the evening news programs are saying something about the possibility that the next typhoon's going to be a super typhoon. It is raining harder outside. If it reinforces something, it's the lack of warmth in everybody's life.

I've been reading other people's old blog entries today, as a means to break away from the fact that I have forgotten a crucial idea I picked up in yesterday's visit to the newsroom of The Manila Times. And there I was again, being achingly sentimental over old conversations, stories and worries. Maybe it is really a problem with me - I may have seemed to move on, but you'll see everything I have amassed over the years are still there. My mom says I'm sure to die of a fire because of all the paper I have collected, in a sense.

Imagine how time flies. There, I've said it.

I was fresh off my great-grandmother's burial. I had already skipped advanced radio production class and acted as if I had missed out on everything. Nothing's required for next week, but I'm more than aware of the delay our group has been amassing (and how steady most of us, and then some, have been in blaming a select few). Lately, however, I have received a lot of condolences, maybe because I told people about my absence in advance, and some have most definitely heard of why, for once, I was away in a class I would definitely not skip. Some others have just wondered where I was, and probably either decided not to interfere in family affairs, or not care at all.

But that's not how it was before, actually. Or, maybe, I'm just used to being shrugged upon, when all the hugs become arbitrary, simply because I gave them and wanted them at the same time. Or maybe it took on a new meaning because of circumstance - Filipino values and monsoon rains in cold season. And in those days when you move and feel that nothing's happening - I had a schedule for this afternoon, weirdly enough, and nothing pushed through - you'll indeed want a little more direction.

It's another one of those periods when you feel change. It's more evident, and it's more heartfelt, to say the least. Maybe I have found the most inconvenient time to pause and ponder, or it's because I've reached another peak and realize that nothing interesting is happening. I can look at anything and see something different, or make it up, just to create an adventure for myself. Just this afternoon I spent my time walking from Netopia to the bus wondering whether it was Alyssa I saw not wearing a collared shirt. Or, as she confirmed just now, "a [gray] shirt and a brown jacket." And untied hair, and earrings, and the terribly ubiquitous pair of Havaianas...

To be very honest, I do feel uncomfortable. It's as if I was taken off life support - everything is average nowadays, as the song would insist. A more compelling case for me, then, to read old blog entries and laugh at myself at how far I have gone, and how low I have reached. From surprisingly applicable email attachments to misattributed statements to blog entries inspired by breakfast cereal, eventually I wonder whether this feeling of synthetic nothingness is actually nothing to me, or if it's a sign of things to come. Maybe, as Edsel joked, a knife would fall out from the sky and hit my head. Horror film stuff.

And it's still raining outside. I expect tomorrow to be less than melancholic, partly because I'm doing stuff I shouldn't be doing, at least with a primitive mindset. And before I pretend to have gotten over another hump day, and everything else that doesn't come with it, I'll try being nice. Useless idea, but I'll try anyway. Making up something different until I decide to be altruistic altogether, throwing away a picture perfect "romantic" scene in the rain, and letting it all work out.

We all move on, after all.

And your responses...

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