3/31/2008 ‒
The thirteenth week

Sara may be deferring, but that doesn't prevent her from being in the editing bay, the nucleus of everything thesis lately.

With the lines forming outside the vice dean's office, the second floor is abuzz with activity. The center of gravity, however, lies in the editing bay - that collection of rooms that's full of computers, video editors, and yes, everybody's stresses.

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3/30/2008 ‒
Isolation in five paragraphs

It's a good thing sometimes. You get a much-deserved breather after seeing so many things, and going through many more. Sure, it may sound harsh, but you've got to do it sometimes. It's hard pulling the plug off your laptop, but if it gets your mind off things, then it's a necessary evil.

It's a hard thing to do. I already said this earlier, but when you're leaving something you're very much used to, you're pretty much cutting off a vein in your body. You can't live with cigarettes? That's why so many people have a hard time quitting that habit. Same goes for someone, or a particular routine, or that constant stream of information.

It's a necessary thing. If things are not going well, then you really have to pull the plug. You just have to find the right excuses to do so. Maybe, say, you really need a break, and you decide to pack your bags for a holiday. A five-day reclusion sounds nice, especially if it involves the Mediterranean, right? Nothing else to think of but you, yourself, and, what else? Maybe getting back home. But that's the bigger problem.

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3/29/2008 ‒
Entente amicale

"We will turn the 'entente cordial' into the 'entente amicale'," British prime minister Gordon Brown said, in light of the state visit of French president Nicolas Sarkozy.

"All of you have fun," I said at the back of my head, at pretty much the same time. "All of you, but me."

For once, JP was right. Yes, him, the person in the conference that some (somehow) see as freaky, maybe stalker-ish even - he thought the conference walkout, and the threats to finally leave, was just because of stress. "Increased stress," he wrote, while wondering why I needed to be overly dramatic about the idea of, despite the accolades, letting everything go and walking away.

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3/27/2008 ‒
Betrayed by the experience

What else is there to say?

You've exhausted all possible channels. The moment you've exhausted everything, you see another one, and just go there.

You find a semblance to family. You find you way around, look for a comfortable corner, and slowly, you get used to the people around you. They greet you back, they ask you questions, and you surprisingly oblige.

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3/26/2008 ‒
Waiting

Yes, it's me again, the guy who can't seem to stop talking about...

It's funny how things quickly change over a few days. I wrote that nine days ago, when life was a sugar rush. The weeks prior to that day was the opposite, although for some reason it was beyond excruciating and all. I was typing again, not knowing what will come out of it.

It's not really been that long, but for some reason things became more evident during the last couple of months or so, and for reasons I can't even understand.

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3/23/2008 ‒
Before eviction

I can't believe this. In a couple of hours I'll be leaving this hotel room, and into what possibly is the biggest challenge of my life. It's been hard keeping this a secret to all of my friends, but what the heck? They may think I'm a weirdo, but the pay-off should be great. I mean, people will finally notice me - as in whenever I walk by Alabang Town Center, they will point at me and say, wasn't he the guy on TV?

There was nothing to do in the hotel room, so I decided to grab a newspaper and actually read it. Well, if the point of this entire thing is isolation, I might as well stock up on things. People shouldn't think I'm stupid. I should read up! I saw this full-spread ad, full of color, really attracts attention, and then I realized that I am in it. Oh, I was one of those guys with a paintbrush, with my back to the camera, being mysterious and all. I'm that close to finally letting go of the secret! I no longer have to tell them I won't be available for this and that. Even better, I don't have to watch myself with a pixelated face! My identity will no longer be a secret!

Aren't these guys great? I mean, look at me! I'm pretty lanky compared to my friends, but here, I'm pretty buffed up! I mean, my arms look better! I wonder how they did that? And the others - oh, they also have their backs turned. Ooooh, mysterious. The guys, they're buffed up, too! They must look handsome - and I mean, really handsome. Sounds like competition to me.

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3/22/2008 ‒
"That doesn't quite describe the experience"

At the very end of the blog entry, she had one last shoutout. "By the way, I have extra tickets for awards night on Sunday. I'll give you two. Bring a friend!"

When I saw that, I somewhat blushed. After I wounded my way to Karylle, I got myself tickets! From one of the actresses! They were tickets to the Cinemalaya awards night, and it was something that I found exciting myself, after having watched a couple of films, including the opening of the film festival itself. There was also, of course, me trying to make a feature out of it for our (terrible?) newscast project, so if my involvement has gone deeper, then maybe it's better that I get to the very end!

Then again, we were shooting for feature class. The date was set a month ago, and at this point there's nothing that could stop the shoot from happening. The screenplay that Clarence and I wrote was finalized long ago, and all we had to do was get the equipment and get going. The two tickets would go nowhere, then.

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3/21/2008 ‒
Good, better, best

This is such a blasphemy, isn't it? On a day when most Catholics - and I mean most - are commemorating the death of Jesus Christ, I'm blogging about romance and peace.

In fact, I've been trying to address a backlog of homework that has stammered me for the past week or so. I finished two documentary notes yesterday, and today I just finished, fairly awkwardly, an essay on my circumcision experience. I still haven't done my history requirements, nor my (revised) documentary concept, nor my investigative report! As Jackie put it a couple of days ago, it's like going with the suffering we're paying tribute to today.

Today also happens to be Kizia's birthday, and in usual Niko fashion I sent a quirky, weird greeting via text. Well, I didn't get a reply.

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3/19/2008 ‒
Shutter speeds

"Confident of graduating?"

With that, Dexter joined the line of people who've asked me about graduation, and other related questions. If you're a relative or someone remotely familiar, you'll probably ask me about the prospect of graduating on time. If you're a classmate of mine, you'll probably ask me about the progress of our thesis, or the progress of our plans to defer. But, with the idea of things flying so fast in a setting like ours, nobody has bothered to ask about the moments I'd probably cherish. What will you prefer to remember?

Two days ago, two of my classmates in world history class wondered why I constantly kept on taking photos, even in the middle of a class report. "I wanted to document every day of my last term in school," I said. It's pretty similar to what Gaille has been doing, although my specialty would be candid photos, of course, and I don't know whether she has kept up with her more public vow.

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3/18/2008 ‒
Scrapped

I don't know what Joy was thinking. All I know is, I was late for the pizza.

It's a very cheesy song, I know. Honesty is such a lovely word, it goes. As much as you barely hear it nowadays, it's still one of the most important things once should have. It may hurt but, as I told Kently a few minutes ago, thunderstorms form a lovely light show.

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3/15/2008 ‒
No such thing as fair play

Playing with shadows during our thesis shoot at Yas' condo unit. Reinier Laino and Elle Velasco thankfully granted us another day of shooting, since Sir Mariano suggested we add another scene...

One of the functions that school uniforms probably served is to make sure everybody's equal, at least in the things they wore. The same look for girls and the same look for boys, with the nuances being supplied by whatever accessory you planned to complement it with. With a little training, you recognize the things that make one different from the other, because you're basically starting from scratch.

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3/08/2008 ‒
There goes the squiggly

"You should've shifted earlier," I typed. "You've taken two but they're, err, not counted, right?"

"Yup," Misha replied. "It's okay. Then it's like I took seven."

Unimaginable laughter.

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3/06/2008 ‒
Dodge and burn

I tried it over the weekend. As I slept, I took in a long breath, covered my face with a pillow, and tried to sleep. It was very uncomfortable, but I think it's the price one has to pay for being finally at peace.

It's funny, actually. Five weeks ago I was at some sort of high, fueled by far-off possibilities inching towards truth. In fact, it felt like high school all over again. Now I don't feel anything but that burning feeling in my chest that occurs whenever I feel something bad is about to happen. Before, I associated it with hesitation - whenever a crush passes by, and I end up so mesmerized I don't say anything - but now, it's really getting uncomfortable.

Surely you're getting it too, right? That feeling when all that you've worked on seems to have gone for naught. After all the effort, you feel that everybody is blaming you for things that are beyond your control anyway. You're the bad person, the one who needs backing up, the one who needs to beg for a second chance. You're the one who's probably contemplating suicide.

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3/01/2008 ‒
Six rulers under your feet

Even if I don't really go out on weekends, the last Friday night was unusually slow for me. The siblings were left alone at home, and the middle sister hasn't arrived from a day out she's always been having. I found myself flicking through the channels until I saw the last scenes of Maalala Mo Kaya - that time it was Diether Ocampo and Bea Alonzo on top billing. It actually isn't a new episode - I've seen Diether lose his hair, and I've seen Bea as a nurse - but for some reason the scene I saw struck me.

I was in the middle of Diether on the verge of dying, probably from cancer, as signified by hair loss. He was in a hospital bed, and Bea, the nuse who presumably knows the patient, and maybe loves him too, is looking over him. He starts crying uncontrollably, until he finds a need to get up from bed and go to the nurse. I don't know if he saw something, and if he did, whether it's real or imaginary. Oh, the heck - he cries on her shoulder, and she couldn't take it. The answer: call for the doctor.

Obviously the entire drama ends with his death. There was Charo Santos reading the letter, talking about the nurse moving on from the death of the one she loves, and eventually marrying and raising a family, and how she learned much more from him rather than her dreams of touring the world. There was the episode title, the closing credits, and the ubiquitous text promo, with someone from Davao winning. As the news blasted on the screens, with yet another rally taking half of its airtime, I was thinking of something else.

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