5/31/2008
Seniors or otherwise

Someone's gotta end it... but not everybody.

Around three weeks ago, I got a text message from Chiqui. She's one of those OCM majors that I kept on bumping into, thanks to Reena. She's also one of those OCM majors that I seem to be classmates with in at least one class for the last four terms. Apparently she picked up my number from Edsel, and in the next minute I was reading the message repeatedly. I somehow can't believe it.

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5/30/2008
Pre-recorded highlights

They say that when death is imminent, scenes from your life will flash in your head in rapid succession. I don't know whether that only happens in movies, but that's how I think it goes anyway. Perhaps it's a way for us to remember what supposedly matters so that it's easier to answer questions that we'll be asked in the after life. Then again, this would be the hardest myth for Mythbusters to try to verify. Perhaps unethical, too.

But there are times in our lives when we are given the chance to look back at what we've done and failed to do. Of course, with this comes the ability to actually choose which scenes we look back on - a doubly-impossible task when your body starts pulling off plugs - and when all is done, forget everything else. The argument, of course, lies in which scenes we choose to remember and reminisce on.

Some say that the official stuff is all that matters. That's why they're designated as such: it's something (almost) universally recognized and it gets you somewhere. It keeps you in safe hands, and gets you looking pristine clean, or at least deserving to be such. It's the things that nobody could possibly object to - if somebody else said it, it must be true - and everybody can recognize you with. Safe, perhaps, but straightforward and clear in the message it says.

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5/29/2008
Bodies and tails

It's a no-brainer, really, but it's true. I don't think you believe me when I say this, but I really love you. It's the way you flip your hair, and the way you talk, and the way you strut your stuff... now don't tell me you don't believe all these things? Sure, your type's everywhere, but nothing really matches up to someone like you.

I got stuck in those lines. I was telling Sam that this entry would be something unprecedented, and indeed it is; at this point I'm really stuck for words. I've written stuff like this, but I've never really said those words in public.

I love you. Never have.

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5/26/2008
Factions

Birds of the same feather flock together.

Well, that's what they say. People tend to attract similar people, whatever facet it may be. Perhaps it's the need to find someone that will agree with you, or argue with you in a limited capacity, if that's what you want. How that happens remains a mystery - one time you're starting the conversation, and another time you're just surprised things happen - but it's one of those things that we're probably better off not figuring out, because we wouldn't anyway.

The dominant order favors groups. Be alone, and you get trounced upon. Luckily for us, it's very easy to start a group for ourselves. Its success is a complete different question, sure, but at least you'll end up having someone to relate to, if you do things the "right" way. Then again, like before, there's no actual way of getting it done; everything revolves around finding the right people, convincing the right way, and having the tennis ball go ahead even if it snags the net. Oh yes, it's a reference.

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5/25/2008
Stolen

As kids, we're often told to share. There's probably not one kid who's been egged, persuaded, or forced by a teacher to share something with a classmate - a pencil, a toy, a sandwich. The world is supposed to look better that way, with textbooks having illustrations of two kids sharing something together, smiles and all.

But, as kids, we're also often told not to share things that we shouldn't share. Then again, they don't call it sharing; they call it cheating. "Don't copy from your seatmate," they'd always say, but perhaps it's already too late. Deals might have been struck, and the damage might have been done. But nobody could care less back then, unless you're that uptight kid who thinks rules are golden. I guess his world wasn't as nice as it was supposed to be.

When you grow up, you have an idea, more or less, of what you have and what you want to have. You know what you can give, what you shouldn't give, and what you should try getting. Usually appeals for help don't confuse you; they just pass you by unless you think you have to do something about it. You share with other people, and you work to give yourself a break. But something rattles your world once in a while.

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5/24/2008
Thirty-eighth parallel redux

"Dean's lister ka ba?"

Stuck in traffic, I pretty much had nothing else to do, so I read on.

"Fifty percent discount on all fees!"

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5/23/2008
"Who will be the next..."

It's unusual for me to be online on a Friday night, but rightfully so. It's supposed to be my last hurrah at summer, as Daniel put it; one last push to make the vacation all worthwhile. Everybody knows that, in our case, it only lasts a month, thanks to students back in the 80s wanting to graduate early by speeding things up. What we don't get in holidays, we get in job opportunities.

So, tonight, while I ponder about what exactly I have done, and while battling urges to sleep - because it is late, and Friday nights are supposedly my catch-up-with-sleep time - I'll try to remember the things that made this summer vacation a good time to catch up on, err, sleep, before classes begin on Monday...

...oh, wait a minute.

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5/21/2008
Hitchhikers allowed

I found myself staring at last night's record-breaking (again) conference. Things were at break-neck speed, but I eventually found my footing after breathing for ten minutes and stepping in again at the right moment. In the middle of a million unsuccessful call attempts, Lizette suddenly sent me a message.

"Let's mind commute. Unless you're super busy."

I guess nobody knows about my fourth blog. Lizette and I hatched the idea thirteen months ago, while she was in her summer job, and I was in a fit of summer idleness. The idea was a he-said-she-said blog, complete with pseudonyms (which prove useless since, even if you don't know about the existence of this blog, you'll find out that the two of us are behind it). We'd make entries over Yahoo! Messenger and I'd paste everything onto the window, edit for style requirements, and upload everything.

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5/20/2008
At least initially

Come in and have fun. Welcome to the frantic world of socialization.

It just happens. The fun thing is, it's spontaneous. The bad thing is, you have to know what really is happening. In short, you have to be there from the very start.

The moment you step in, it will seem very, very well. You might know some people, and you might be willing to meet new ones. You can do this, you can do this...

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5/17/2008
Second from right

Our computer's monitor is quite unreliable. Perhaps it's because I've gotten used to LCD screens in Internet cafés, or other screens just look better, but despite being in its brightest setting, anything that I see is inherently darker than what it really is. So, that night when I first emailed the photos I took earlier to Miss Rica - the ones she needed as soon as possible - I was frustrated. Sure, camera phones don't really work wonders in low light settings, but the monitor's operating circumstances made the choice harder to make.

If only I knew. That afternoon, while intently watching whatever was being projected, Jason tapped me on the shoulder and showed his mobile. Miss Rica was asking me to take photos of the talk, as if I haven't started doing so. I shrugged. Oh well, I thought. Better take this seriously.

That day ended with Marcia, Loui and I somehow getting assigned to bring filmmaker Dominic Morissette, along with a representative of the Canadian embassy, to their car. Initially mistaken for bringing them to the South Gate - apparently the car wasn't there - we ended up at the gate near the Yuchengco lobby. The two girls wanted a photo with Dominic, and we ended up with a photo of the four of us, with the guy from the embassy being nice enough to do the photography.

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5/16/2008
Keep rediscovering

"Kung mangyari ito, ito ang magiging unang pagkakataon na magkakaroon ng dalawang bagyo ng sabay sa gitna ng summer."

And now, we have just that.

Weather reports keep me alive nowadays. I get a kick out of wondering, and realizing, why we're getting drizzles rather than downpours. Two storms pulling each other to wherever thing will end up, and everybody in the middle gets all rained out, some worse off than others. Blame fifteen years' worth of weather reports on television, initially to wonder whether there really is a big television behind the late Ernie Baron, and now to wonder what significant bit Kim Atienza will share.

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5/14/2008
Lovers again

I think he's come back. I think he wants me back.

Should I be doing this? I mean, it's just a phone call... just saying hi, nothing more.

It's been a while since we separated. I don't even know why we split up. I guess things happened way too fast.

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5/13/2008
Lovers

"Niko, I feel that you're not in the answering mood tonight, ah."

"I can only answer so enthusiastically," I answered Mae. "Lalo na about relationships."

I'm staring at my Facebook news feed again. Same old incorrect thoughts flowing into my head, thinking about one of the questions I was asked in the survey Mae passed to me. A friend's survey, apparently. Courtship practices.

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5/12/2008
Sunshine

You know what, sunshine? They always say it somewhere. Time will heal all wounds, and you'll come out as if nothing happened. Unless it's really life-threatening, you'll probably get up from that bad fall, put some bandage on your wound, and after a few days or so, it's as if nothing happened. That's the case with most of my childhood wounds. A cut on my finger is now barely discernible. A big (by childhood standards) scrape on my knee is now a proud, well, knee.

But they always say another thing somewhere, too. Time will heal all wounds, but things will never be the same again. After the fall, you'll be very conscious of your actions. Better not run too fast or you risk being made fun of again. Better not cry, or be called a crybaby. Better not do this, better not do that. We all learn something from our cautiousness, and we never come out the same again. And that also means the scars that you get with it. My once proud knee got a bad cut, and it's got a keloid scar now. My elbow ceremoniously got its colors that way, too. Nobody may know, but it's there.

It's a way of balancing out things. You can't have the world, but you should have a slice of it. Some may be damn lucky, while others may be worse off, but a slice of the world is better than none at all. But you may not like your slice, wish you had another slice, and that's where it begins.

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5/11/2008
Samantha's almost-sibling

The two of us together. Don't we look alike?

Almost siblings, in fact.

You pose fairly nice here. I mean... you look really, really young. Thus, we look almost siblings.

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5/10/2008
Missing

It's hard to get used to this.

I used to see you around. And by that, I mean all the time. As much as you didn't want me to express it, I did anyway. I guess doing that didn't really turn out well, although it was, as usual, circumstance that made it that way.

I'd tell you stories. Well, actually, I'd tell you of my frustrations. There are, as you know, so many things that I haven't done, and things that I wish I have done. You'd always tell me to push. I'd always tell you that I couldn't, not because I couldn't, but because I shouldn't. You'd insist anyway, and I'd end up presuming. Nothing really has changed, right?

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5/09/2008
Stimulants

There's no better way to get started on tomorrow than by getting started on today, so I might as well provide some tips.

Talk to someone. Now that's basic: they say human beings are social beings, so why not start a conversation and not keep it on the original topic? Get that mobile phone of yours and start texting. Better yet, pick up the phone and call, provided meeting up is impossible. Just don't call the wrong number.

Get writing. Mon and I were chatting last night, and she said she's pretty amazed at why I still get to write despite an obvious lack of material. I'm contending that my entries are starting to not make sense, but nothing gets your mind working that getting down in front of a computer and writing, or better yet, getting pen and paper. You can start with word dumps and progress towards exquisitely-crafted essays about the need for world peace.

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5/07/2008
"Wah, you're Facebook-ing"

Finally, I've sent a job application.

And yes, that's all there is to it.

Oh, wait. Cover letters. Or, in my case, cover emails. How in the world would a certain company's human resources manager be amused by seeing an email from a stranger that only contains an attached resumé? Of course, you've got to state your intentions, or else you seem like a shove-off, and just that.

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5/06/2008
Girls

At one point, it gets tiring just thinking about different ways of writing about it, but in the end, I still end up doing so.

I'll probably write about the first stages. It'll be behind my head, probably trying to force it out, or it's already out by some convenient coincidence. Perhaps I'll write about how my day went, attempt to force some significance into it, and at the very end, there will be a reference to what is still known by then as something insignificant.

I'll probably write about a growing fascination, and for a moment let my guard down. No clues whatsoever - just me writing about whatever it is that fascinates me. It'd usually be a confusing thing, with the reference at the very end, as I always do, but somewhere after I publish the entry, I'd feel proud that I've finally spoken up about it.

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5/05/2008
Nevada according to Raisa (or Manila according to Georgina)

"Eh... that's more surfer dude than girl," Raisa went. I imagined her pointing a finger at me.

It's hard speaking like a girl, especially if you're not one. Although obviously we've been playing at stereotypes - what more after reality shows like The Hills and your experience with such girls - the conference was, for the past two hours or so, dominated with girl talk. Choose your pick - American, cockney, gay. I hate to trounce on stereotypes, but perhaps that is the point.

But what's funny, really? Right here we're pouncing on those stereotypes, perhaps because we hate it, or because we can't do anything about it. "I know, right?" hasn't been a buzzword yet, but before I could launch that, we slowly started moving to the parlor. Kently and I - as Kenna and Nika, respectively - have had a hard time keeping up with the lingo. But, then again, it's still ongoing. The girls are in, but we're all keeping up with the gender flip.

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5/04/2008
And your life slows down

At least my brother and I have something to talk about over the weekend: the NBA playoffs. Despite the fact that the only games we get to watch are those over the terrestrial channels and the ones shown every week on Star Sports, and that some of our chats descend into chaos because one is wrong and the other has a serious case of condescension, it's still something to think about. It breaks me from the routine, gets me excited for the duration of the game, and eventually turns me into a sloth.

Over the weekend, my father's been around, too, watching the games with my brother, until the momentum progresses to the living room where I am, which means goodbye to my chances of being able to watch the CBS Evening News. At least I still, somehow, get stimulated.

Sometimes I find the need to start myself up again. Perhaps read a book or take on a new hobby, but this is my nineteenth summer, and the way things are going, it seems I'm better off dead or anything. And just when I'm supposed to be preparing for my future, I fail myself, because everybody needs a transcript of records.

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5/01/2008
Mayday! Mayday!

I was supposed to write something else, but I guess the feeling is gone until the next trip to the cinema.

So, right now, I'm chatting with Mon. She just told me she's taking a blogging break - something about letting her thoughts cook rather than serve them raw. But you know us two. I start, she continues, and heaven knows what happens next.

"Sinabawang Monica."

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