All my crushes and their boyfriends

Despite an apology that happen surprisingly quick, you can say that Denise and I had a very terrible fallout. It just doesn't seem right, considering the circumstances; a girl hiding her identity, a boy hiding his stress, and a world that doesn't reward people it just doesn't like. Such a contrast, perhaps, to this.

I finished three hours early, and stumbled upon one of my old entries, remembering the days when you can just walk in and actually feel welcome. Well, not everything's been severed, really, but considering everything that's been said, it might as well be. I was amazed at how different things were - innocent, perhaps, or untainted, but still different.

"I don't know if I should say thanks for your optimism. Or, no thanks for my indecisiveness."

It was a stupid time in my life. Back then, I thought, I knew it. My gut supposedly told me that the moment was right, and since Denise was the only one around, I was actually asking her for advice. In February, it worked; in April, it probably would've been ridiculous. And, sure, nothing really happened, because I never really planned anything, choosing instead to let it slide because there's no use in trying, anyway.

And, perhaps because I got so used to it, I'm thinking, again, that I found it.

"Is it what you really, really, really want?" she said.

I think I've grown impatient of waiting, or the reason why I just keep on sitting here and waiting for the perfect situation, only to see it slip away. Either it's not the right time, or I'm not the right person, and lately it feels like I'm thinking that I have it only out of desperation. Perhaps, because, I'm willing to eat my words now - all those vows that I will never settle down, and yet imagining those things in my head. Me, you, cheese.

So, she said, I wait. And, true enough, I've waited. I've been waiting before she said it, and I'm tired of waiting after everything's gone wrong. People might have moved on, but I still haven't, because as much as I convince myself that I don't need it, I convince myself that it's got to happen. And it's the same case with you, as is the same case with everybody else.

Please don't be surprised if I suddenly profess my feelings, because I've waited for too long. It's about time I do so.

Eventually, I'll be lost in a raincloud, letting things pass as I drift, without actually staying around for the coffee, or the conspiracy theories. Perhaps the world is unfair, but most importantly, I have been unfair to myself, for thinking that everything's got its place in the world, and sometime mine will come, too. It hasn't, and yes, I've waited far too long. Perhaps it's time I start the chain reaction. And although this blog entry may not mean me actually starting to get serious about it, well, perhaps I've learned enough from seeing all my crushes and their boyfriends profess their love for each other.

For once, I hope to go home to something comforting. The universe may still be conspiring, but it's waiting for me.

And your responses...

The last sentences seem to have stirred me.

Blogger N.7/17/2008     

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