The disassociation

It's another common playground scene, really. Two kids argue about something. One gets exasperated and hits another. The other cries in pain, holding the back of his head and starts making a scene.

"Teacher, teacher, siya po!" he goes, one hand accusing the antagonist.

The teacher comes to the two boys, already circled by those who either wished for a fight or just wanted to know what happened. She demands answers.

"Siya po," the other goes. "Binatukan po niya ako."

"Anong ginawa mo?" the teacher sternly asks the one.

"Eh nakakainis na, eh," he goes, desperately trying to burrow himself out of the mess. "Mali naman siya..."

"Tama ako!" the other interrupts, trying to keep in the tears. "Ikaw kasi, sabi ko ngang kami ni Jessie ang mag-best friend." It's a losing battle, all of a sudden. "Ayaw niya sa'yo!"

The teacher, similarly exasperated, wants it to just end. No more of the you-you-you-the-both-of-you drama. She can finish everything right then and there.

"David?" she goes to the one. "Say sorry."

Walking home tonight, I wondered why we should actually say sorry for the things we've done. Sure, the example earlier - obviously a metaphor for something - is a different thing altogether, because one hurt the other unjustifiably. But why should we actually apologize?

I'm sure all of us have done wrong things. I, for instance, have stabbed my so-called friends' backs, describing them with invectives that seem so harmless you wouldn't understand unless you asked me. I've been rude to another, preferring not to listen to her argument, thinking that she wasn't listening to mine. You know, that kind of stuff. Yet, counting months after everything has passed, not once have I apologized to them. I still believe I am right.

I'm not against apologies. There is a right place for everything. Of course, you are intelligent enough to know when you did wrong and when you should apologize. And, of course, an apology, when done the right way, can almost certainly start the healing process. But, as everybody else said, there's always a time for everything - and it almost certainly follows that there's a time when nothing will go your way.

In the one's case, well, he hit the other because he didn't like what he heard. "Ayaw niya sa'yo!" echoes on his head, an indication of a childhood crush gone wrong. Still overcome with exasperation - already confused with anger - he refuses to have his parents called to the principal's office.

"Sorry," he begrudgingly says.

"Ayan, nag-sorry na siya," the teacher tells the other. "Bati na kayo, ha?"

Of course, nobody wants to hurt other people. It's such a painful feeling, really, to see the people you used to be close with suddenly get that cabinet and put it against the door so you can't come in. But I'll have to pull out that patchy analogy: what's wrong and what's good entirely depends on other people. Of course, the other will think he's wronged because he was hit in the head. As for the one, well, he knows what the other said isn't true.

"Alam mo, ang bait-bait mo," Jessie told the blushing one.

Sometimes you have to hurt others to defend your reality. You have to put down more than an iron fist to tell them what you believe. Simply put, it definitely sucks to be a voice drowned out by a consensus, especially if you think it's ridiculous.

So, on that walk home, I began thinking. I've done so much, really, and I know it's been hurtful. It's hurtful because it's unjustified. It's hurtful because it's unfair. It's hurtful because everything was based on speculation, or the unprocessed version of the truth. In the end, I ended up talking about people rejoicing at my loneliness, and people leaving me for granted. Do I apologize?

Well, I shrugged. No.

It's quite simple, really. They are rejoicing at my loneliness. They are leaving me for granted. They are calling me names behind my back, without any foreseeable reason as to why. They are ganging up on me, basically, and along the way have ganged up on people that I hold dear to my heart, only because I hold them dear to my heart. All of this because, well, I decided to say something they didn't really like to hear. Call me ostracized; I call it being kicked out of the dreamworld I myself created for them.

So all of the things I said, about cookies and the status quo and heavens-damned optimism, well, I'll never retract them. So what if it hurts them? So what if it puts the things they hold dearly in a different light? So what if it basically refutes everything they know? That's what I saw, and that's what I felt, because that's what they wanted me to feel. If I fought back, it's only because I had to. I don't really have to be goody-two-shoes just to earn the favor of everybody else. I don't have to be a straw. And I definitely refuse to kiss body parts, even if it smells of celery.

"Mark," the teacher insisted. "Mark!"

The other did not answer. He simply walked away.

And that's exactly what I'm doing. I've virtually let go of everything, and I'm holding on to the remains because of nothing more than the memories it used to bring. Moot and academic now, I thought, and before I entered the door, I let it all go. Never mind if I got home at midnight and spent extra money for a taxi just to be able to talk to thousands of people. They threw in the cabinet and the grand piano, but I have the key, and I'm locking the door. That, or I become a card-carrying fangirl, which is something I was reluctant to be in the first place anyway. They know that.

I might have annoyed the fifteenth floor, but it was fun while it lasted, and if it lasted a bit longer I would've killed everybody. I disassociate.

And your responses...

fangirlisms. :|

Anonymous Anonymous8/20/2008     

wow. wala ako masabi! haha. pero, i like this post :]]
yeah, sometimes i get that feeling also. when me & my friend fights sometimes, even though i STRONGLY believe that it isn't my fault, i feel like i dont have a choice rather than to say sorry to her, cause she doesn't make an effort to it. :|

Blogger Eunice!8/20/2008     

I think this would be my favorite entry from you for the time being. It left me thinking…. Yes, I should reflect regarding things you’ve stated.

Wow. This is the advantage when you know someone (not personally though) older than you! :)

Blogger N.8/20/2008     

wait...wait...wait... being the star of the upcoming (yehess f na f ko) The B-List Show, parang tinamaan ako?

Hahahaha! Just merely plotting this "show" is too much for my conscience pero kelangan lunukin. Haha! But inisip ko rin naman, totoo naman lahat ng sasabihin namin, so may maguilty man.. not our fault? Hehehe we just hate plastics. :D Jinujustify ko pa talaga ang pagiging meanie ko... heheheh

It started with an objective to have fun but feeling namen, we're really going to face alot of karma once nastart na namen.

Well tinamaan ako sa blog entry. But yun lang, imagine a world without emotions..it's all rational. Hehehe I mean, the truth and nothing but the truth lang. We say things to people because that's how we feel or that's what we think as of that moment..and that moment was, umm, real.

I strongly believe that honesty is the best policy. So pag may nakaaway ka man or what, so what. Eh may pagaawayan kayo eh. Just make sure na when the right time comes na to patch things up, tell that person WHY this and that.. etc, and you'll both end up laughing about it.

Ang haba neto. Hahaha i miss you. :)


....i'll use our site. hahahaha!

Anonymous Anonymous8/22/2008     

i strongly agree. well, i ALWAYS tend to speak my mind and when i do, i don't really care if the person gets hurt or what, freedom of speech pre.

..but eventually, i'd feel guilty, i MIGHT feel guilty, but saying sorry does not occur to be an option for me.

..(another)but i do hope i could change.

Blogger jhie8/30/2008     

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