For the sake of doing so

"I always had this warped sense of time since graduation," I told Les.

"It's going faster than you can think or count," she replied.

"I know," I admitted. "I know I've been working for seven weeks now, but... I don't know."

"Wow," she said. "Seven weeks now? Gosh."

"I know," I replied, feeling like some character off some Gossip Girl ripoff, only more ethereal. "It's been that fast, hasn't it? And yet it feels nothing changed."

And I'm perfectly aware that my whatevernots about time flying so fast isn't a new thing. In fact, I'm getting tired of it - of how I end up saying the same things about it, but only mentioning different people and, perhaps, using different metaphors. But, yes, time flies so fast, and the thing I hate about it now is, I feel like I'm stuck in seven weeks ago.

Sure, a lot has happened. I got employed, got involved, got pushed out, got refreshed friendships. Les assured me "it will adjust soon," but if you think about it, I actually have - the situations I'm facing now are actually similar to what I've faced in the past. Or it's my mindset that's never left the past, which meant my freewheeling ability to associate (and disassociate) is still working on overdrive.

And, also, I'm perfectly aware that things should come by any minute now. Something's supposed to rattle my sensibilities now, and I've long been waiting. Perhaps, I've been hastening change's entry, just for me to feel that I'm in a different state now: no longer a student, no longer wholly dependent, no longer victim to everybody's emotional whims. Yet, it feels like everything that I've been doing is all in vain.

I say something about people being insensitive to others in their times of misery, and I fear that many will instead call me a hypocrite.

I think of choosing something different from the usual, and when the time comes, I end up choosing the same things because I don't really have a choice.

I plan a way to make things easier for me, and yet I flub every opportunity, and end up speaking about it through status messages and silence.

It may be a surprise that I'm now the one letting change in without hesitation, but I guess I need that, or else I'll end up breeding killer mosquitoes and being blamed for the collapse of a community. But am I being unfair? Am I waiting for change because I think I deserve it, rather than because it is meant to happen? I've come to the stage where I don't really know what I want; all I've been doing is doubt my intentions, and doubt my choices, wondering they're there because of whatever's been thought of in the past. Turns out I'll end up hurting everyone when I finally make a move - as if I wasn't hurt by, say, people calling me a homosexual bit of turd for no reason - and I'll regret everything when it all comes together.

Then again, that's what change is about; hurting in the process. Questionable or otherwise, it ends up happening, and you have to deal with it anyway. So perhaps this feeling of being stuck in the past is justified, after all.

And your responses...

and I'm a senior and I feel like nothing has changed as well...

Blogger N.8/18/2008     

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