Everything you do is wrong

Imagine being in a gathering for the first time. You don't know anybody. After doing the initial rounds of getting in and settling down, you find yourself stunned by the sheer vastness of the crowd.

You suddenly hear a voice in your head. "Ano, tutunganga ka na lang diyan?" it says. "Makipag-usap ka!"

There are a lot of faces, and you're trying to pick out at least one that you can approach. You're hoping that one of those faces is a familiar one, because that's a guaranteed starting spot, unless that face is busy being a face to somebody else.

Oh, but there aren't any familiar faces. So you start looking for what you think is the most interesting face. Well, they say you can glean something from the way one looks.

"Mukhang constipated... masungit."

"Maraming tighiyawat... ay, huwag."
"Pwede siya... kaya lang may kausap na."

"Nakasalamin... pretty!"

"Wala yan sa hitsura!" that voice goes again. "Huwag ka nang maarte!"

You choose the one wearing glasses anyway, partly because of what you just thought, and partly because everybody else is preoccupied.

"Don't come on too strongly."

Four steps towards the face.

"Hi... umm... nice party! Di bagay."

Two more steps.

"Nice glasses! Since when did you... pangit."

Two more steps.

"Hi, I'm..."

You've walked too much. You realize you look like a lost dog blocking someone's teleprompter. You could either go back and approach the person in question, or just laugh at your silliness and abandon all plans.

"Huwag ka ngang tumunganga," the voice went.

"Okay. I'll talk to her."

"And remember. Don't ask any personal questions, or any sensitive questions, or anything about age, or education, or the drinks, or her outfit, or her hair, or anybody else inside. In every case, you can never go wrong with the weather."

No steps are taken. You start doubting your initial plans.

"But don't associate the weather with emotions," the voice continued. "People hate it."

You've had a few glasses of champagne, a handful of shrimp toss-ups, and a lot of thoughts in your head. Nothing's still happened.

"Nakatunganga ka na naman," the voice went.

One step forward.

"Don't make a fool of yourself," the voice went.

One step back.

"You're doing it all wrong," the voice finally concluded.

"No," you whispered. "They're doing it all wrong! They're with each other, they're pimply, they're constipated, they're attractive, they're indifferent..."

Before you know it, you've started a brawl in the function. You against your thoughts, which essentially mean you against yourself. The next thing you know, the girl in eyeglasses would pull off a line you only heard on cartoons.

"This is humiliating."

After nineteen years, I have deduced that everything you do in life is wrong. One option has a downside, and another option has a downside, and you never get a chance to make the most of it. So what's the point of living this life?

And your responses...

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