Twenty minutes on hold

"Is it self-fulfilling, Henrik?"

"If it's clerical, I won't hesitate leaving. Lately? For some reason, I feel it is. Soon I won't, but now it is."

"Dream and aim higher! Take the plunge, ika nga."

"If it arrives, Ella. I won't aim for something I can't see."

"Kaya mo naman Henrik, eh. Kung tutuusin, tayo lang naman nagbibigay ng limit sa mga buhay natin, eh."

"Fine. But I'll tell you, wala pa akong chance na hindi ako mafu-frustrate. If I can leave, I want to arrive at something else. I won't just leave and stay in limbo."

"Nobody said it will be easy... you will not stay in limbo! Kasi maghahanap ka ng mga magandang job."

"Asan? If I'm not assured that then I'm not willing to go to limbo."

"Eh di ikaw ang gumawa ng assurance!"

"Well I am doing something. Don't tell me I'm not!"

"Ano ginagawa mo? Nagjo-job hunting ka na ba ulit? Did you even bother asking your friends kung may kakilala silang nagwo-work sa mga newspaper, etcetera?"

I did not answer. I managed to keep it in for a good twenty minutes, continuing one of my newly-assigned articles, typing in as if my momentum hasn't been broken by all of those incessant reminders about isolation, or my unhealthy thought bubbles which is impossible to get rid of in the first place. Twenty minutes on hold.

"You mad?"

"I can't talk about this."

No further responses from my side.

There's a slightly bittersweet realization today, as I dug deep to look for Miley Cyrus' photos. Just yesterday, Alyssa was saying something about my apparent guts, about the way she thought I'm the last person she expected to back down on something. And today, I refused to talk about something far more pressing, because I was feeling slightly better, and was feeling an upswing, despite my isolation - their fault, not mine - lurking behind me.

So there's exactly a reason why I'm not scared of joking about love affairs, but I'm scared of dealing with actual ones. I've thought I'm something for adventure, but heck, here's complacency, and I'm sleeping with it! I didn't fear those bad feeling I'd get with twenty minutes' worth of silence because I was getting mad at Ella's provocations, but I feared having to deal with all these again. It wasn't the right time, smack on the face, everything at its peak and then reversing, or the other way around.

And yet there are the reminders. All those overheard conversations with the headphones on. All those clicking sounds, all those screams and laughter. All those uneventful events at five in the afternoon. Neobie stepping out of her desk, waving at Glenn, skipping me, and damn it, I don't know what else shoves the point down my throat.

And your responses...


Blogger N.11/14/2008     

I'm sorry..

Anonymous Anonymous11/14/2008     

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