12/17/2008
Can't have anything you want

At the very worst, you can say I'm possessive. I tend to hold on to things so tightly, especially when things just get so good, or technically, when they happen in my favor. My term for it is "significant emotional investment" - I didn't really coin that term, but I'd rather forget the circumstances.

And that makes it harder to let go, especially when things start to go wrong. The system fails you. People turn their back on you, or worse, start plotting against you. Your devices are left useless, and when all is lost, you have no choice but to retreat. But, at the very worst, you can say I never give up. Either I don't do something - I've determined that the chances of success for this thing is close to nil, so back off - or I do something, and never stop. Pulling the plug is a painful exercise for me. Again, "significant emotional investment".

You can't have everything you want. Or so they say. In a time when you're faced with a myriad of choices, from mobile phone units to television channels to surgical implants, you're only asked to choose a few, and generally stick with it. And then they fail, and you go through life and (sometimes) death just to get out and start anew. So, my cynical side proposes a change to the order: you can't have anything you want.

They do say nothing good ever lasts, and who wants to have something bad?

Again, at the very worst, you can say I'm possessive. You can blame it on my past, leading to this mindset that I deserve everything. Yes, yes, I know that's being selfish, but I'm sure nobody's appreciative anymore. Not the things that are so common to them that they take it for granted. Not the so-called "small things in life". Not the things that you're probably so busy to notice even if they're standing right in front of you. No, we all want something else, and in the pursuit of that something else, all the bad things happen, and then you have to let go, and cry in pain, and bleed profusely, and smother yourself in your sleep. And it all leads to that one reality. Nothing's permanent, nothing will keep us happy, and we can't have anything we want.

I've been here for nineteen years, verging on two decades, and already I feel tired. I don't understand why we all have to go through crap just to get what we want, only to realize that we're bound to lose it. I don't understand why we're made to aim for the stars, only to learn that we can't fly. I don't understand why we're led to believe that the universe conspires to make something good for us, when all we see are the bad things, regardless of whether we have the good things. It's all for nothing, really. All that we do is for nothing. And if that's the case, the better off we'll be if we push our being nobodies by committing suicide by insecurity. I know it's on the list of the things I want.

And your responses...

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