Just before they fall apart

"You know you hate your job when you do things to endanger your career but you don't even feel a tinge of regret."

It's been almost two months since Katia wrote those words, but they're still stuck in my head. I remember telling that to Ariane when we met up a week ago, in the middle of a discussion about our options in the future. Or, better yet, whether we have any options at all.

I was on the homebound jeepney at eleven in the evening, and as the more familiar sights came in, the sleepier I was getting. I couldn't wait to go to bed and get over everything. I started thinking about the long day I just had, and all of a sudden, something struck me: I made this huge on one of my write-ups.

It's set to publish at half past seven. I looked at my clock. It's fifteen past eleven. I should make it in fifteen minutes.

I was practically running when I stepped down of the jeepney. Three minutes later, I was knocking on our door. It's forty past eleven.

Mad dash to the computer.

I was having difficulty connecting, especially with a dial-up connection that routinely refuses everything we do. I got in on the first try, but the website's back end was loading perilously slow.

Ten minutes later, I got through. I replaced a few words. The season finale isn't next week. It's tonight. A few more elaborations later, I reposted the article, and just barely; it appeared on the website when I began revising it. I reminded myself to send the folks at Seattle a revised copy of the write-up.

"Natawa ako sa email mo, ah," Kris later said as we walked towards, well, somewhere.

"Muntikan na yun," I replied. "Inaantok na nga ako, eh. Tapos biglang hindi na ako makatulog. Bwisit na adrenaline yan."

"Buti nga yun, minor," she said. "Ako, nag-preview ako ng episode na pinalabas na pala."

That topic was long forgotten as we ate designer sandwiches with knives. Well, she did, and I didn't.

I'm having this extraordinary streak of confidence at work. I've been taking on a couple more articles since Valerie left, and for some reason I've managed to write them without resorting to fillers, fluff, or fillers for fillers. Plus, there's workplace relationships, which are slowly improving, surprisingly. ("Well can you say now that things are improving?" she asked. "I guess," I answered. "Kasi I'm no longer as frazzled.") But I'm still the restless one, and I am very scared of this feeling of complacency that's getting to me. I know I should be looking beyond where I am right now, but the weird thing is, I'm getting comfortable. I'm no longer writing straight. Nobody's complaining anyway, so I've written stuff almost the same way I blog here. And, as I told Ariane a week ago, I shouldn't feel that way.

"Ang ginagawa ko kasi, hindi ko na chine-check yung articles ko," I told Kris over lunch that Wednesday. "Well, most of them."

Today, I checked one of them, and realized that readers have terribly misinterpreted my article calling for more racial representation on television, because I found an article on the same topic mentioning the show is was assigned to write on.

"This article is racist, made to stir up hate for white people," one reader said.

I thought it was harmless. I hoped the folks at Seattle felt the same way, too. But the readers were stacking up against me. I skipped the comments and continued writing. Don't ever speak out again. Don't ever speak out again. People don't care for the minority anyway. Just keep your write-ups to press releases and casting news. No more speculation. No more bluffing. 

In the end, paranoia got the best of me.

"Why is it that I feel like I've done something terribly wrong, to the point that it could get me fired from work?" I blogged.

Two hours later, I managed to quell my fears. Didn't stop Neobie from dropping a line, though.

And your responses...

hihi. may nabasa ako :p
okay. joke yun.

Blogger N.12/08/2008     

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