It simply follows that, since I blog so often, I probably am socially awkward.
Sometimes, though, I consciously take a break from writing, at least on this space. It always entails thinking fairly hard, looking for the best way to both stay true to my message and mesmerize my readers. Perhaps it's my knack for wanting to impress everybody.
But that urge also means I hit myself hard when I think I deserve it. Well, arguably that happens always. But there are times when I can't think of the right way to say things, or even the right thing to write about, that I just let it boil over and take a break. Three days without an entry, tops, unless things really happen. Better that, than writing something aimlessly and realizing that you've writted a sucky essay, and then publishing it anyway.
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1/31/2009
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1/28/2009
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The idea was, as it seemed, mere catch-up, although there wasn't any need for it. The silence, however, was painful.
Painful, he figured, was different. Deafening is another cliché, but the area was quite noisy, so the existence of silence itself is questionable. He'd rather wait, so he turned his back and looked out to the fairly busy corridor. He stared at the clock. He stared at the desks. He started thinking.
The composition of this shot, well, it feels romantic.
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Painful, he figured, was different. Deafening is another cliché, but the area was quite noisy, so the existence of silence itself is questionable. He'd rather wait, so he turned his back and looked out to the fairly busy corridor. He stared at the clock. He stared at the desks. He started thinking.
The composition of this shot, well, it feels romantic.
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1/26/2009
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The complete irony lies in the fact that I was well rested before today. I slept earlier than usual, woke up later than usual (because nobody was going along with me) and even had a thirty-minute nap in the car, as it was stuck in traffic. And yet, when I got here, all my energy decided to take the last train to London.
And I started singing. I really want tonight to last forever. I really want to be with you.
Well, I didn't, but in times when you've got nothing to hold on to - either because you had to move desks, or because there's really no reason to keep holding on to something that won't let you anyway - you'll just feel like it isn't really worth it. And yet you're forced to find a reason to do so. After all, you can't just give up. People hate people who give up. And so goes keeping up appearances, when all you want to do is curl up the bed until it all ends, slightly annoyed that it's so far away. You just want to do something about it. Hasten the demise, so to speak.
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And I started singing. I really want tonight to last forever. I really want to be with you.
Well, I didn't, but in times when you've got nothing to hold on to - either because you had to move desks, or because there's really no reason to keep holding on to something that won't let you anyway - you'll just feel like it isn't really worth it. And yet you're forced to find a reason to do so. After all, you can't just give up. People hate people who give up. And so goes keeping up appearances, when all you want to do is curl up the bed until it all ends, slightly annoyed that it's so far away. You just want to do something about it. Hasten the demise, so to speak.
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1/25/2009
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I didn't get into the school magazine, but my classmate did. He was this big guy, literally, who seemed to have so many friends. While he was being surrounded by girls and chatting about whatever's on the charts, I was this kid who struggled starting over in a new environment. Making friends was one thing. Dealing with bullies was another. It was worse considering I thought I was good at some things - in this case, writing - and suddenly I wasn't good enough for them. Perhaps they didn't care as much for the bus drivers who brought them to campus.
But I had more pressing problems to deal with - difficulties adjusting, a crush on a seatmate, the pack of bullies that seem to increase every minute, and falling frades - so, never mind the magazine, I'll just get on to work. Never mind if I don't get to spend my idle time inside the small publication office. At least I found myself the librarians, and the guidance counselors, and before I knew it, I was having something to look forward to.
Anyway, this classmate of mine who got in, well, he found the need to speak to me in the way he's been privileged to do. I was, after all, craving for attention; all I wanted was for everyone to hear my story, of looking for friends and beating everybody else, in a world that ironically couldn't care less.
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But I had more pressing problems to deal with - difficulties adjusting, a crush on a seatmate, the pack of bullies that seem to increase every minute, and falling frades - so, never mind the magazine, I'll just get on to work. Never mind if I don't get to spend my idle time inside the small publication office. At least I found myself the librarians, and the guidance counselors, and before I knew it, I was having something to look forward to.
Anyway, this classmate of mine who got in, well, he found the need to speak to me in the way he's been privileged to do. I was, after all, craving for attention; all I wanted was for everyone to hear my story, of looking for friends and beating everybody else, in a world that ironically couldn't care less.
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1/23/2009
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Day three. I am disoriented.
Actually, I am sleepy. No thanks to what I decided to listen to; I am perfectly aware that their midnight programming would be their sleepiest tracks yet, precisely because it's on at midnight. And besides, I never drifted to drowsiness during the first few hours or my shift, despite the (surprising yet unsurprising) lack of things to write about.
Someone took the Oscar nominations. I was tasked to do 24 profiles.
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Actually, I am sleepy. No thanks to what I decided to listen to; I am perfectly aware that their midnight programming would be their sleepiest tracks yet, precisely because it's on at midnight. And besides, I never drifted to drowsiness during the first few hours or my shift, despite the (surprising yet unsurprising) lack of things to write about.
Someone took the Oscar nominations. I was tasked to do 24 profiles.
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1/22/2009
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Open your eyes.
Don't get up. Turn everything off. Tap the snooze button. Tap the snooze button again. Don't comprehend what your mother is telling you. Tap the snooze button again.
Walk gently. Walk with nary a sound. Or, at least, muffle every sound you make. Plan everything. Have loose change ready beforehand. Pay when you have to. Take a seat. Get squeezed. Close your eyes. Let gravity be.
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Don't get up. Turn everything off. Tap the snooze button. Tap the snooze button again. Don't comprehend what your mother is telling you. Tap the snooze button again.
Walk gently. Walk with nary a sound. Or, at least, muffle every sound you make. Plan everything. Have loose change ready beforehand. Pay when you have to. Take a seat. Get squeezed. Close your eyes. Let gravity be.
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1/21/2009
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"Okay ka lang?" Kris asked.
"Obviously, hindi," I answered.
I attempted to chuckle, but it came out so feebly I felt the insincerity come out of me. Or, it's the only time I figured sarcasm would make me feel good.
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"Obviously, hindi," I answered.
I attempted to chuckle, but it came out so feebly I felt the insincerity come out of me. Or, it's the only time I figured sarcasm would make me feel good.
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1/18/2009
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1/15/2009
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I'm a neat freak. Regularly I take a look at all of the blogs that I link to, and see whether anyone's been updating or not. I guess it's my past as an aspiring computer geek, buying books on web design and hard-coding in between school breaks: a bit of advice I gleaned from one goes something like, "don't post anything if you won't update it anyway." Nobody likes to see an under construction page, it argued. So, whenever I see a blog that's not been updated for months, or has disappeared entirely from the face of the earth, off goes the thumbnail. Toss!
So all of those blogs I used to read have, well, faded into oblivion. So many people have wondered how I still manage to post entries on an almost-daily basis, despite being drowned with obligations, work-related or otherwise. I myself have wondered, too, how I managed to keep up with all the writing while so many of my blogging friends have stopped entirely. Obligations have, of course, caught up with all of us by then. It was definitely a different thing during my first four terms in college - I couldn't keep up, or I haven't learned to keep up, with all the new entries, even if they were all just pasted online conversations, or stuff that I didn't understand.
I am still bored in the office, for the last four hours of my shift or so. Rather than be bothered by exclusive conversations - oh, I'm sorry, I still was - I was bringing myself back to years that have passed.
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So all of those blogs I used to read have, well, faded into oblivion. So many people have wondered how I still manage to post entries on an almost-daily basis, despite being drowned with obligations, work-related or otherwise. I myself have wondered, too, how I managed to keep up with all the writing while so many of my blogging friends have stopped entirely. Obligations have, of course, caught up with all of us by then. It was definitely a different thing during my first four terms in college - I couldn't keep up, or I haven't learned to keep up, with all the new entries, even if they were all just pasted online conversations, or stuff that I didn't understand.
I am still bored in the office, for the last four hours of my shift or so. Rather than be bothered by exclusive conversations - oh, I'm sorry, I still was - I was bringing myself back to years that have passed.
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1/14/2009
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"Maybe you really like her. Not as much as you think you do, but the feeling is still there. That's sincere, sort of. Selfish, in the sense that you could be using her to just get that feeling for yourself."
"Although I wasn't very aware of that, although I've been bent on letting go, especially when it gets serious, right. I hate it when I feel that way, the need to let go because it wrecks havoc. Now I see that as being insensitive, ironically, to someone insensitive in the first place."
"Why should it bother you, then? Do you feel that your being insensitive to her is somehow hurting her?"
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"Although I wasn't very aware of that, although I've been bent on letting go, especially when it gets serious, right. I hate it when I feel that way, the need to let go because it wrecks havoc. Now I see that as being insensitive, ironically, to someone insensitive in the first place."
"Why should it bother you, then? Do you feel that your being insensitive to her is somehow hurting her?"
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1/13/2009
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I haven't made it through a week yet, and yet I'm already irritable. Very irritable. I think I argued with many unsuspecting people over the past couple of days. I think I've changed a few things forever - the paranoia crap, also known as the frosh year - and I've always been apologetic, at least to myself, on the day after. Only on the day after.
The serene, secure nature that greeted me during the new year has since given way to the usual cynicism and insecurity. My low self-esteem is back, and in a snap of a finger at that. Or, one text message and a handful of crucial decisions.
I've been sitting on my new desk for around four days now. It's pointless, for one, and although you'd probably highlight the advantages ("the gap is just one seat rather than two!"), I'd be quick to play the downside ("there's a bigger exposure to being left behind!"). And, I can't see the window outside anymore. The blinds here are so covered up, I don't even have an idea whether it's raining or not. At least the view got a little better.
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The serene, secure nature that greeted me during the new year has since given way to the usual cynicism and insecurity. My low self-esteem is back, and in a snap of a finger at that. Or, one text message and a handful of crucial decisions.
I've been sitting on my new desk for around four days now. It's pointless, for one, and although you'd probably highlight the advantages ("the gap is just one seat rather than two!"), I'd be quick to play the downside ("there's a bigger exposure to being left behind!"). And, I can't see the window outside anymore. The blinds here are so covered up, I don't even have an idea whether it's raining or not. At least the view got a little better.
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1/10/2009
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Jason suddenly popped in. "Punta ka sa despedida ko," he said.
"The details?" I answered, hoping it doesn't happen on the day after my birthday. It was, after all, the most convenient date for anything, being a Saturday that smoothly eases into a Sunday.
"January 9!" he sprung.
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"The details?" I answered, hoping it doesn't happen on the day after my birthday. It was, after all, the most convenient date for anything, being a Saturday that smoothly eases into a Sunday.
"January 9!" he sprung.
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1/09/2009
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What exactly is it with turning twenty years old? Almost everybody that I've seen turn twenty braced it. And for the most obscure reason at that: it's goodbye to the teenage years, and hello to adulthood, and already it's something very subjective, depending if you're 16, 18 or 21.
As for me, well, I just woke up and received Icka's text message. Flat out midnight.
"Happy birthday!"
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As for me, well, I just woke up and received Icka's text message. Flat out midnight.
"Happy birthday!"
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1/08/2009
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My first umbrella was a good one. It felt sturdy and it covered a surprisingly wide area for a two-fold, but it was really big. The idea was for my umbrella to be easy to bring, something I could put in my bag and carry every time I go to work. The best I could do, however, was put two-thirds of it inside, with the handle sticking out of one corner of the bag. Still, it means it was easy to grab when it suddenly rains hard and I'm in the middle of the Ortigas Center, walking to the shuttles, or to anywhere else I have to go.
Perhaps that factor led to it getting lost at the start of the year.
My mother bought the umbrella, albeit temporarily: I had to pay around P350 when I got home. The new one costs a little over half that, but seemed to have the same qualities, or maybe better: the two-fold may be covering a smaller area than before, but at least I can put it inside my bag and not have the entire handle stick out. It feels less sturdy, though, but I don't think it'll suffer the fate of an umbrella I borrowed in the middle of the typhoon - it just broke up before I could even use it.
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Perhaps that factor led to it getting lost at the start of the year.
My mother bought the umbrella, albeit temporarily: I had to pay around P350 when I got home. The new one costs a little over half that, but seemed to have the same qualities, or maybe better: the two-fold may be covering a smaller area than before, but at least I can put it inside my bag and not have the entire handle stick out. It feels less sturdy, though, but I don't think it'll suffer the fate of an umbrella I borrowed in the middle of the typhoon - it just broke up before I could even use it.
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1/07/2009
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I still felt distorted with the way things have gone this week. I've been going to the office by myself, but for some reason I was logged in an hour before my shift began. I didn't bring my new umbrella, partly because my mother asked me not to, only to see small drops of rain on the window of the van I was in.
I'm bound to be sharing today with someone.
"Welcome back, Valerie."
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I'm bound to be sharing today with someone.
"Welcome back, Valerie."
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1/05/2009
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It's all in a matter of how you start things.
I woke up last Saturday feeling fairly distressed. The idea was, I'll be going back to work in two days, and I'm still hung over from having arrived from Singapore less than twelve hours prior.
I slept last night feeling a little relieved. The idea was, I'll be going back to work in less than twelve hours, and I'm hung over from having prepared myself from falling into a routine less than two hours prior.
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I woke up last Saturday feeling fairly distressed. The idea was, I'll be going back to work in two days, and I'm still hung over from having arrived from Singapore less than twelve hours prior.
I slept last night feeling a little relieved. The idea was, I'll be going back to work in less than twelve hours, and I'm hung over from having prepared myself from falling into a routine less than two hours prior.
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1/04/2009
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"If, one, you didn't come out, and two, if things meant I was falling for you and I decided to do something about it, then would you give me a chance?"
"You and me? Anong tanong yan? Are you serious?"
"Wala ako in priest mode."
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"You and me? Anong tanong yan? Are you serious?"
"Wala ako in priest mode."
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1/01/2009
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Out of boredom on Christmas eve, I was telling Jackie, who was by then already on leave and is happily in Cagayan, that I imagined her writing for the local version of Marie Claire than a teen girl magazine such as Candy. That was a sincere comment, but I didn't expect her to be so surprised.
"Niko, reading Marie Claire?"
I can't remember what I exactly said. Maybe something like, I read everything anyway, before the discussion somehow shifted to the copies of FHM and Playboy lying around in her office. But we all know we're frustrated in this regard. We've taken the first step, but somehow we feel we should've taken another. Or, at least, taking the next one.
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"Niko, reading Marie Claire?"
I can't remember what I exactly said. Maybe something like, I read everything anyway, before the discussion somehow shifted to the copies of FHM and Playboy lying around in her office. But we all know we're frustrated in this regard. We've taken the first step, but somehow we feel we should've taken another. Or, at least, taking the next one.
Read more »
Niko Batallones writes The Upper Blog.
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Some photographs have been edited using post-production curves from Shalla Yu.
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