And then there are the questions that seem implausible when asked. Did someone hurt you before? Did someone break your heart? Did someone shatter all your expectations? Valid questions, all three of them, but the problem lies with you. You're not supposed to ask those questions.
So you look back to the past. Perhaps, try to figure things out. They all say there's no reason to get hurt, and perhaps they're right. It's just you. Your expectations are there for a reason. They were all betrayed, eventually, and you're left with just another opportunity to start again. Either you decide to reach out, or, as you just did, substitute everything around you for what you think should be there.
Of course, you can flip the argument around and say that they led you to have these expectations. It was they who made you feel like it's home, all before bringing out the bulldozer and cracking the walls open.
Read more »
2/28/2009
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2/26/2009
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Now that you've mentioned it, you're right; you're going to be thirteen years old in exactly a month. And, all of a sudden, I remember the past year, when so many people despaired during the days leading to their birthdays, because by then they will turn twenty - and, in a snap, it's goodbye to their teenage years, and hello, big world, sort of.
Suffice it to say that the next seven years of your life is going to be the most important. In your case, it's seventh grade, four years of high school, and a fragment of your college years; that actually makes you lucky, because you're going to be given a little more leeway at 21, still in college, perhaps finishing things, or starting all over again. It's in the next seven years when you'll learn perhaps the most important things you'll encounter in life, and that's what makes those years a roller coaster ride.
And I don't expect anyone to turn this to a spoken word track. I don't, obviously, have the clout to be mistaken for Kurt Vonnegut, which I haven't read either.
Read more »
Suffice it to say that the next seven years of your life is going to be the most important. In your case, it's seventh grade, four years of high school, and a fragment of your college years; that actually makes you lucky, because you're going to be given a little more leeway at 21, still in college, perhaps finishing things, or starting all over again. It's in the next seven years when you'll learn perhaps the most important things you'll encounter in life, and that's what makes those years a roller coaster ride.
And I don't expect anyone to turn this to a spoken word track. I don't, obviously, have the clout to be mistaken for Kurt Vonnegut, which I haven't read either.
Read more »
2/25/2009
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I'm a 20-year-old male, and society has a lot of expectations for me. For one, I should be mature.
I should be sensitive to what others feel, but not too sensitive to exhibit weakness.
I should exhibit strength of will, a determination to see things through, a perspective rooted in reality but never losing sight of what's ahead.
Read more »
I should be sensitive to what others feel, but not too sensitive to exhibit weakness.
I should exhibit strength of will, a determination to see things through, a perspective rooted in reality but never losing sight of what's ahead.
Read more »
2/24/2009
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I am supposed to be absolutely clueless about this, right?
I mean, I am not supposed to notice. I shouldn't notice you coming around. I shouldn't notice that you aren't asking me questions. I shouldn't notice that we aren't talking anymore.
And I understood. Things got in the way. I had to do things, and you had to do things. If there's anything we both understood, it's the possibilities of space. And respecting it. And we had disagreements about it, and I asked for it, and you stayed away. And you asked for it, and I stayed away.
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I mean, I am not supposed to notice. I shouldn't notice you coming around. I shouldn't notice that you aren't asking me questions. I shouldn't notice that we aren't talking anymore.
And I understood. Things got in the way. I had to do things, and you had to do things. If there's anything we both understood, it's the possibilities of space. And respecting it. And we had disagreements about it, and I asked for it, and you stayed away. And you asked for it, and I stayed away.
Read more »
2/21/2009
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After slipping to Los Angeles, I was surprised to see Jason chat with me over YM. And over the most random of things, too. While I prepare for my first articles at work, and taking advantage of my forced (and still undecided) isolation, we'd discuss things that we wouldn't usually discuss when he was still in Manila, and when we were just students in, err, film school. Or that's how it felt sometimes.
It is awards season, after all. The frustration of having to read and write about all these films is, you realize they're not going to be shown here, or at least, most of them. One month ago, the possibility of cinemas here showing Frost/Nixon or Doubt or The Wrestler or Vicky Cristina Barcelona is very small. (Since then, two have opened in cinemas, albeit in disappointingly limited runs, considering Makati isn't my cup of tea on lazy Saturdays.)
Inevitably, out first post-flight conversations would be about these films. Upon touchdown, Jason most definitely did his catching up, and then he'd tell me things online afterwards. I wasn't a stranger to these discussions, having been in the middle of them since we became thesis partners before we knew it. But it was refreshing in a funny way - he was gushing over Amy Adams, admitting that he has a little crush on her, and even going on about her underarms. Then he would gush over Doubt's cast and how effective the film was with them. We argued, we bluffed - or I bluffed, not having seen anything yet - and we laughed at each other. And then I'd figure out that he was right about Amy.
Read more »
It is awards season, after all. The frustration of having to read and write about all these films is, you realize they're not going to be shown here, or at least, most of them. One month ago, the possibility of cinemas here showing Frost/Nixon or Doubt or The Wrestler or Vicky Cristina Barcelona is very small. (Since then, two have opened in cinemas, albeit in disappointingly limited runs, considering Makati isn't my cup of tea on lazy Saturdays.)
Inevitably, out first post-flight conversations would be about these films. Upon touchdown, Jason most definitely did his catching up, and then he'd tell me things online afterwards. I wasn't a stranger to these discussions, having been in the middle of them since we became thesis partners before we knew it. But it was refreshing in a funny way - he was gushing over Amy Adams, admitting that he has a little crush on her, and even going on about her underarms. Then he would gush over Doubt's cast and how effective the film was with them. We argued, we bluffed - or I bluffed, not having seen anything yet - and we laughed at each other. And then I'd figure out that he was right about Amy.
Read more »
2/19/2009
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He got one phone call.
"Things are going to change around here," the other end said.
His stomach started churning. He wanted more details.
Read more »
"Things are going to change around here," the other end said.
His stomach started churning. He wanted more details.
Read more »
2/16/2009
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"Magdala kayo ng jacket," my mother gently reminded us in the wee morning hours. "Umuulan."
Indeed, it was raining. It almost happened over the weekend, but it only felt the need to let go today. By six in the morning it was still as dark as an hour before, further accentuate by the sound of the drizzle, partly drowned out by the radio. I never needed reminding, however, since I always had my jacket and my umbrella with me, powered by that everlasting belief that you'll never know when you'll need it.
It remained that way throughout the morning car ride, and in a fit of cooperation my iPod started playing slow songs. I quickly fell asleep on the highway, and woke up fifteen minutes later at C5, with the sun shining brightly outside. The windshield was barely wet, even. Where did the rain go?
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Indeed, it was raining. It almost happened over the weekend, but it only felt the need to let go today. By six in the morning it was still as dark as an hour before, further accentuate by the sound of the drizzle, partly drowned out by the radio. I never needed reminding, however, since I always had my jacket and my umbrella with me, powered by that everlasting belief that you'll never know when you'll need it.
It remained that way throughout the morning car ride, and in a fit of cooperation my iPod started playing slow songs. I quickly fell asleep on the highway, and woke up fifteen minutes later at C5, with the sun shining brightly outside. The windshield was barely wet, even. Where did the rain go?
Read more »
2/14/2009
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I actually find structures useful. If I'm trying to make something big really work, I'm probably planning things out in advance. Ideas get mapped in my head, routed towards each other, given a space to breathe in and ultimately developed as I see it fit.
For some reason, that's what I did for the past two weeks. Day fourteen is the ultimate - another one of those excuses to write about things that I'd rather not write about. The final line would be a status message that Valerie liked a couple of weeks back. Along the way, the concept gets slowly propped up. Day one was about waiting. Day four should have been about attraction, although it ended up appearing on day five. A few more conversations later, I got something for day six - something about oppression.
I had it all beautifully set up, really. Day eleven, or day twelve, would probably have something about ambivalence, a concept that I picked up from a former college professor a couple of weeks back as well. I figured I'm this confusing person - I like things that I hate, and I hate things that I like. I was pretty close to quoting Ale's "I'm a walking contradiction" line, and went as far as to retrace its origins in my head. I think it came from Huey.
Read more »
For some reason, that's what I did for the past two weeks. Day fourteen is the ultimate - another one of those excuses to write about things that I'd rather not write about. The final line would be a status message that Valerie liked a couple of weeks back. Along the way, the concept gets slowly propped up. Day one was about waiting. Day four should have been about attraction, although it ended up appearing on day five. A few more conversations later, I got something for day six - something about oppression.
I had it all beautifully set up, really. Day eleven, or day twelve, would probably have something about ambivalence, a concept that I picked up from a former college professor a couple of weeks back as well. I figured I'm this confusing person - I like things that I hate, and I hate things that I like. I was pretty close to quoting Ale's "I'm a walking contradiction" line, and went as far as to retrace its origins in my head. I think it came from Huey.
Read more »
2/11/2009
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There's this Korean restaurant in the area. Actually, it's a Korean-owned fried chicken restaurant, or better yet, a franchise of a Korean fried chicken restaurant. Two things draw me there. One, it's always closed, despite being all tricked out inside. Two, it keeps on promoting itself despite being closed, and I wonder whether anybody understands the Korean words inscribed in the three tarps that are placed in the vicinity. Perhaps we've been invaded by Koreans, or selling poultry with beer isn't really a good thing for an establishment near a school.
I was looking out the window of another restaurant, waiting for my order to come. The place was empty, which was unusual considered it's just past one in the afternoon, and there'd usually be a couple of diners or something. The server, in a shirt, came with my sisig meal, with bigger slices of pork and a noticeable amount of liver, something I've totally missed. And, in a change of heart, I took the calamansi and squeezed it on the plate, and the sizzling just went on and on.
I did that before. When I was still in college. Red Spoon. "Ate, isang sisig with egg, saka C2 lemon."
Read more »
I was looking out the window of another restaurant, waiting for my order to come. The place was empty, which was unusual considered it's just past one in the afternoon, and there'd usually be a couple of diners or something. The server, in a shirt, came with my sisig meal, with bigger slices of pork and a noticeable amount of liver, something I've totally missed. And, in a change of heart, I took the calamansi and squeezed it on the plate, and the sizzling just went on and on.
I did that before. When I was still in college. Red Spoon. "Ate, isang sisig with egg, saka C2 lemon."
Read more »
2/08/2009
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It is perhaps one of the most basic lessons we were given as kids.
Language class tells us to say po and opo to our parents, older relatives and other figures of authority. Religion class tells us that we should not have any other god but, well, the Catholic god. Even homeroom class, if ever there was such a thing, tells us to ask for permission from everyone. You can't just, after all, storm out of the classroom to go to the toilets without telling your teacher the classic "may I go out?" line.
It is even a lesson that's enshrined in the school's rules. Simply, you shouldn't fight your classmates. Don't ever dare them to a match, either a shouting one or a more physical one. Don't raise your voice in front of your teacher, and your principal, and your janitor, and your canteen server. Don't throw a tantrum in class, for you're disrupting the flow of the lesson, annoying the rest of the class, and perhaps puts everyone in trouble.
Read more »
Language class tells us to say po and opo to our parents, older relatives and other figures of authority. Religion class tells us that we should not have any other god but, well, the Catholic god. Even homeroom class, if ever there was such a thing, tells us to ask for permission from everyone. You can't just, after all, storm out of the classroom to go to the toilets without telling your teacher the classic "may I go out?" line.
It is even a lesson that's enshrined in the school's rules. Simply, you shouldn't fight your classmates. Don't ever dare them to a match, either a shouting one or a more physical one. Don't raise your voice in front of your teacher, and your principal, and your janitor, and your canteen server. Don't throw a tantrum in class, for you're disrupting the flow of the lesson, annoying the rest of the class, and perhaps puts everyone in trouble.
Read more »
2/06/2009
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Regardless of how you do it, I figured, courtship will always be a series of oppressive actions. I mean, why bother asking someone to do something that they're not into in the first place? Why bother going to someone, stating your intentions, and persuading the other side to do the same thing? Why show off your good side so that the other side will go towards you?
Isn't it better if you just let things happen, the way nature wanted it to be?
Well, of course, it'd be very chaotic. Just imagine dogs picking out other dogs at random and start humping each other on the street. So, apparently, I have to earn your approval. I have to prove that I am the person made for you, and I have to prove that my love for you is genuine and all that. Most importantly, I have to make you feel the same way for me.
Read more »
Isn't it better if you just let things happen, the way nature wanted it to be?
Well, of course, it'd be very chaotic. Just imagine dogs picking out other dogs at random and start humping each other on the street. So, apparently, I have to earn your approval. I have to prove that I am the person made for you, and I have to prove that my love for you is genuine and all that. Most importantly, I have to make you feel the same way for me.
Read more »
2/05/2009
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"Hey hey, lapit na Valentine's Day."
"You're implying?"
Switched to what I call a dreamy voice. Spoke in an uninterrupted, breathless fashion.
Read more »
"You're implying?"
Switched to what I call a dreamy voice. Spoke in an uninterrupted, breathless fashion.
Read more »
2/01/2009
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This concept entails a lot of waiting, and terribly so. They do say the best things come to those who wait, regardless of how you define those words. They also say that nothing beats a little effort, especially if you think it's worth it in the end.
So, in the end, one waits for the daydream to occur.
One waits for the right time to make a move.
Read more »
So, in the end, one waits for the daydream to occur.
One waits for the right time to make a move.
Read more »
Niko Batallones writes The Upper Blog.
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