4/11/2009
Touchy-feely

I'm a touchy-feely person. Everybody knows that. Never mind if people find it annoying, or invasive, or half-homosexual. Never mind if it feels desperate bordering on loneliness; besides, Scott always wanted a hug when he was called safe until last week. If that's the best way for me to feel that a certain connection's being made, then so be it. Don't ask.

It hasn't been bad lately, really, nine months of relying on words to feel the few hints of appreciation the world has left. I can't complain, or better yet, I shouldn't complain. It's something I should've seen coming, from the moment we let go of everything just to move forward. We made it through, we coped, but some have become more successful than others, and some still struggle.

My story has, of course, been elaborated virtually everywhere, and people probably find it annoying.

It's been weird over the past couple of months. Alongside that other storyline - oh, why do you bother mentioning it here? - I've been feeling pretty empty. I have conversation, good conversation, better than expected, more substantial than usual, although it's been bordering on the usual, and quite annoyingly so. But I've started losing faith in words. Lately they have failed to capture everything I've wanted to express - easily susceptible to misinterpretation, or getting lost in translation. Or, perhaps, it's human nature kicking in, and my touchy-feely tendencies coming out.

Warmth. There. I've been looking for warmth.

I think I've been, subconsciously, trying to compensate for it. There's this fairly awkward tweet I posted last night, after another intemittent chat with Piyar. There was this daze, and then your fingers start trembling subtly, but you know there's nothing to worry about. I've probably gone reminiscent, playing up Mooie a handful of times, constantly wondering where the days have gone, looking for appreciation in the worst of places, becoming more cynical, irritable, losing trust in everything I had faith in...

I sent Monica a very random text message earlier. I just said I missed her. She said the same. I said I wanted a hug. She gave me one. I gave her one, too. But we all know it isn't enough, and it isn't just because of who I am.

And your responses...

Maybe you are short of love?
I will never be satisfied with mere words that are trying to console me, really….

Blogger N. ‒ 4/13/2009     

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